Self-Reflection

Reflecting On Old Blog Posts

…and I have definitely changed in four years.

On April 1, 2017, I started this WordPress blog. After struggling to come up with a name, I was able to get the name Diary of Self. I named my blog that because its original purpose was to be a journal while I figure out who I am. Now, this blog has a focus on uncommon neurodivergent-related topics and my time in grad school.

In my first year of blogging, I did a lot more blogging about things that were irrelevant to my journey of figuring out who I am. You’d see many blog posts relating to a workout buddy I used to have at the kickboxing gym that I had a crush on at the time. I made sure to correct that mistake for the future. I still write irrelevant things from time to time, but that’s okay. It’s not overtaking my blog mission anymore.

I was also a very angry blogger. If I was doing a rant, I was writing it in a raw and angry format. It also highlights that I was not as eloquent of a blogger than I am now. I cursed unnecessarily (in real life, the only curse word I use is “shit”. I also don’t curse that much). I don’t want to look back at my old rants, but I apologize to white people because I think some of my rants made me sound anti-white. Honestly during that time, I was becoming anti-white due to my ex-boyfriend and his family. Actually, my blog post in which I was ranting about white people getting my name wrong (yes, it’s only white people who did it) actually mentions the origins of one of my fake names on this blog.

I’m even considering having white people call me a different name (possibly Cara) while people of color can use my real name.

-DiaryOfSelf (April 2017)

Yep, the origin of you calling me Cara is due to the butchering of my first name. I actually seriously considered legally changing my name from [insert tennis player’s first name that sounds Hispanic here] to Cara. The whole “white people should use my fake name while people of color can use my real name” is kind of inspired by the use of auxiliary pronouns on Tumblr many years ago. To continue this too long tangent, there are non-binary people and otherkin folk who use neopronouns and nounself pronouns. However, they had auxiliary pronouns (usually they/them) in which the ONLY people who were allowed to use those pronouns were people with disabilities or people whose first language isn’t English. Tangent over! Long story short, I was an angry blogger.

There’s a reason why I don’t share this blog with people. I’d have to tell them to not read anything pre-2019 and bored people or people who would hyperfocus on this blog would go really far back into the beginnings of Diary of Self. My writing sucked back then, but is more thought out now.

In some of my very early blog posts, I constantly mentioned the need to live the life I want. I was not able to start doing that until I got married and moved out of my parents’ house. While I have been living with my husband for more than a year now, I am still working on being the me that I want to be.

Will I delete old blog posts that I don’t like anymore? No. However, reading back, most of my posts that will reference my misdiagnosed ADHD (it was thought years ago that I have ADHD when I don’t since many autistic people have been misdiagnosed due to shared traits between ADHD and autism) may be edited to remove references to my supposed ADHD.

Now as I look to the future of this blog, I look forward to seeing how I may change since now. Will my neurodiversity topics reach out to more people than the few neurodivergent readers I have so far? Will I achieve my goal of educating people about grad school that they often don’t hear or read about?

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