Trigger Warning: This blog post mentions suicidal thoughts and ideation. Please please please stay away from this blog if you find anything relating to suicide to be triggering!
Happy Thanksgiving! Today is the day where I volunteer at a community center for the third year in a row, I’m off from work, Franklin gets free food (as is tradition whenever he comes to my house), and we (are forced to) reflect on things we’re thankful for. I know some people have the same feelings about Thanksgiving that they do about Columbus Day, which is why this Thanksgiving post is for a time of reflection.
I never really had to do an “I’m thankful for…” speech on Thanksgiving until last year at my childhood friend’s apartment during “Friendsgiving”. Yay, fun.
There have been some things going on in the past month, starting with getting my midterm exam results back. Read that if you haven’t yet, and pay close attention to the friend I talk about in that blog post. Okay, you’re back. Well, my friend was going through some mental health issues last month and at the beginning of the month, I found out how bad things were getting. (Hence the trigger warning at the beginning)
This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my friend still being alive. (Trigger warning starts here and ends at the next bolded text)
Let me preface this by saying that he’s been in therapy for awhile and got his medication dosage increased sometime last month. I’m thankful that he didn’t go through with committing suicide like he planned to do mid-October. He planned to buy a shotgun and… yeah… I had a friend attempt suicide before, but I had a much stronger reaction to what my friend was planning to do. I stayed at school after he left since I knew there would have been no way I could drive (I learned in driving school to not drive when you’re highly emotional).
This Thanksgiving, I am also thankful for still having him as a friend even though he has feelings for me.
I had it confirmed last week that the aforementioned friend likes me. Yes, he knows I’m engaged. While this seems a bit what the heck-ish to be thankful, you should know something… back in my second year of undergrad, a friend told me his feelings for me were so strong that if I didn’t date him, then he couldn’t be friends with me anymore. I’d feel really hurt if this friend’s feelings were so strong that I’d have to choose him or lose him. Besides, I’m engaged and my wedding is less than 200 days away. A little bit of a tangent that’s still related: I keep getting asked by the same person at work “Are you sure you want to get married?” and I’m getting tired of it. She even said yesterday that she thinks the wedding isn’t going to happen. I know it’s because of my friend. My mom wants me to invite this friend and another grad school friend to my wedding. I might as well be stepping on his heart…
So yeah, these things aren’t the typical “I’m thankful to have food on the table” or “I’m thankful for my family”, but they’re things I’m truly thankful for.