DiaryofSelf Marries in 2020

T – 2 Months Post? Maybe? I Don’t Know Anymore

I am honestly unsure if the wedding will still happen on time. My state is about to go into a stay-at-home order and my venue is closed until further notice. Franklin is trying to stay hopeful, but he’s being stupid. I lost hope. Optimism is stupid at this time (actually, optimism is stupid in general). It is very likely now that our wedding won’t happen. It would make no sense to postpone due to the significance of why our date was chosen. We will just do a courthouse wedding if we can’t have our original date. I know I will go into a serious depression.

I’m going to have Franklin talk to vendors about the possibility of canceling the wedding. We have our invitations and the business who printed the invitations will help us include an insert about the possibility about it not happening, but we’re just going to send the insert that will say (paraphrased) “There is a possibility of our wedding not happening. If you have not booked your flights yet, don’t. Thank you for your understanding.”

This is not an official “The wedding is off. No more DiaryOfSelf’s wedding planning posts” blog post yet. That will come later. Now I’ll have to figure out what to post on here because I have once again lost the original aim of this blog and this turned into a wedding planning blog.

So many people have been telling me for months to call off my wedding because one of my friends in grad school has feelings for me. Guess they’re getting their wish, but not due to my friend from school.

DiaryofSelf Marries in 2020

Coronavirus May Ruin My Wedding

I’m not being dramatic. My wedding may not happen because of Coronavirus. I’m seriously panicking right now.

  • We went from groups of no more than 250 people to 50 people, and now 10-20 people
    • My current guest invite count is over 200 people
  • Piggybacking on the above point, the rule of no groups of more than 50 people is supposed to last 8 weeks
    • This will cut us close to the wedding
  • There are closures and restrictions on business hours
    • I’ve been constantly checking emails to see if my wedding venue is closing
    • I’m supposed to meet my officiant at Panera Bread in April (it’s his preferred meeting place). Can’t sit in at restaurants until who knows when
  • Courthouses are closed for 2 to 3 weeks
    • Can’t get the marriage license yet
  • Franklin may get activated by the national guard for who knows how long
    • Franklin feels like he might be gone for months which will interfere for the wedding

Franklin and I may have to do an emergency courthouse wedding just in case things don’t get better by June. As soon as the courthouse opens up again, we’re getting our marriage license. After that, we’ll figure out whether to get married in the courthouse and wait.

Note: This will be the last blog post that mentions Coronavirus. My therapist has suggested that I limit my exposure to media that mentions the Coronavirus due to my generalized anxiety. Since my readers may also be experiencing anxiety, I will refrain from future Coronavirus blog posts. Please talk to a mental health professional to learn or review coping skills during this time.

By the way, should I continue the T – (number) months posts? We’d still have a ceremony and reception regardless of whether or not we go to the courthouse. We’re also hoping to not postpone just in case my vendors are unavailable on a new date.

DiaryofSelf Marries in 2020

T – 3 Months: Mom’s Other Lucky Number

Holy crap! We’re already 3 months away! I don’t feel like I have everything together! Give me more time before I get married! So what have I done since the four-month mark?

  • Went to a consultation for alterations
  • Picked up my custom-made jewelry
  • Groomsmen and my dad have been measured for their tuxes
  • Got the invitations designed
  • Ordered some things needed for the wedding reception (cake stand, cake topper, etc.)
  • Mom ordered her and grandmother’s gowns online because they can’t find stuff in their sizes that don’t show a massive amount of cleavage

This is what needs to be done between now and the 2-month mark

  • First fitting!
  • Time to send out invitations!
  • Bridesmaids need to pick up their dresses and make alterations appointments
  • Schedule the details meeting at the venue
  • Schedule an appointment to meet with the officiant
  • Hope that Franklin’s family won’t be afraid to fly here

I probably forgot some things, but with school closing due to CoVid-19 and other things being affected by CoVid-19, I’ve been trying to prepare for classes going online after next week as well as other projects for school.

DiaryofSelf Marries in 2020

T – 4 Months: Four Seasons

Hey everyone! We’re starting to get down to the wire here. Since the last time I talked to you at the 5-month mark, this is what has been done!

  • Had my makeup trial and put down the deposit
  • Franklin picked up his resized ring
  • Finalized the style of the tuxes
  • Best man got measured for his tux
  • Got my tiara to wear for the wedding!

This is what needs to be done between now and the 3-month mark:

  • Figure out with my hairstylist which hairstyle I can realistically do
    • I found some pictures online to share
  • Have my dress alterations consultation
  • Mom and grandmother need to find dresses
  • Groomsmen need to get measured
  • Get my custom-made jewelry

And this needs to be done by the end of March

  • Figure out what to put in the wedding registries
  • Maybe figure out where to go for our honeymoon
  • Get Franklin measured for his Class A uniform
  • Think of songs for the important parts of the reception (wedding party‚Äôs reception entrance, first dance, mother-son dance, father-daughter dance, and tosses)
    • I have some songs thought out, but not all of them
  • Get invitations designed and (maybe) sent out
Mental Health · Uncategorized

Mental Health and Therapy Update

Hey everyone, I’ve been lacking in my blog posts. I usually make a post at the end of each semester, but this past semester has been intense and I don’t know if I need to retake one class (I need at least a B in my core classes). I was going to post a therapy update at the one-month mark, but haven’t had the motivation to do it. I’ve been keeping up with my wedding countdown posts, though. The new semester is about to start for me so I might just be posting about wedding planning stuff. But anyways, here’s the long awaited therapy update.

I started looking for therapy again after a meltdown on my birthday caused so much distress that I almost ended up in the hospital. It was the worst birthday ever and is going to be the last time I celebrate my birthday since my birthday is now littered with the memory of my mental illness. I had another meltdown a week later. It was becoming an emergency that I NEEDED mental health help one more time before I committed myself to inpatient treatment at a well-known mental health institution in my state for comprehensive treatment and proper diagnosis.

I found a therapist I wanted awhile ago (back in August/September), but my company changed insurances and she was out of network. As well as looking for someone in my insurance who taught coping skills and had evening appointments, I also wanted to look for someone who may treat Borderline Personality Disorder (which I feel I have) and/or Asperger’s Syndrome (another thing I feel I have). Only one person responded back to me, and she owned a business with other therapists working under her. While I don’t have the owner as my therapist, I have someone who’s working well.

I’ve been in therapy for two months now. My original goal was to learn coping strategies for distress. Turns out I have even bigger issues to work on.

  1. I have emotional regulation issues
  2. I have difficulty processing my emotions other than anger
  3. Something is severe (she mentioned it when my parents were in therapy with me, but I can’t recall what is severe)

Based on other questions she asked my parents, I am convinced I have Borderline Personality Disorder even though my therapist hasn’t said it. I feel like she’s scared to make the diagnosis because a lot of therapists are afraid of BPD patients. I shouldn’t have to go to Philadelphia, PA for effective treatment like a BPD patient at my church has to. We don’t even live in Pennsylvania, dang it! Many therapists also feel like BPD is untreatable, which would explain why therapy never worked for me the first three times.

Right now, we’re focusing on me learning to regulate my emotions with the “Name It, Tame It, Reframe It” skill. I find it embarrassing that this is a method that is taught to children because I’m an adult and emotional regulation is supposed to be mastered by the teenage years. I am also learning how to process my emotions, which will make the “Name It” part of “Name It, Tame It, Reframe It” easier to implement. I hope we can later focus on coping skills and the possible Asperger’s symptoms later.

Surprisingly, my brain is actually taking in the skills I’ve learned so far and my brain sometimes tells me to use the skills, but I wonder if my brain is only doing this short-term. I don’t want to be in therapy for the rest of my life.

I could say the scariest thing about this attempt at therapy is that when my therapist asked me if I’ve seen a psychiatrist before and I said no, she asked why. I thought she was going to refer me to one, and seeing a psychiatrist will restrict me on some things in my life. Luckily, when she said “I definitely want” after that therapy session, it ended with “to talk to your parents to get more of a history.” I feel like if I get put on a medication for my mystery mental health issues, I will never be able to get off them. For me, being put on medication is the same as succumbing to my mental illness.

Maybe I’ll learn why my brain is so severely messed up compared to my immediate and extended family members and can get proper overdue treatment. Hopefully it’s not too late to be treatable.

DiaryofSelf Marries in 2020

T – 5 Months: Take 5 (Not the candy bar!)

Hello everyone, and welcome to 2020! You know what that means? It means I get married this year! After the past 2 months being a whirlwind of wedding hell due to my cousin’s incarceration and hunt for another groomsman, things are steadily back on track! So since the 6-month mark, I have done this!

  • We found another groomsman and updated my Meet the Cast blog!
  • Sent out the in-state save the dates!
  • Franklin picked up my wedding band
  • Franklin’s ring has been sent off to be resized
    • Franklin will be wearing his late father’s ring as his wedding band
  • Scheduled a makeup trial
  • Turned in the contract and down payment for the cake

This is what needs to get done between now and 4 months:

  • Have my makeup trial
  • Turn in the contract and down payment for makeup
  • Pick up Franklin’s resized wedding band
  • Finalize the tuxedo design
    • We are waiting for these two vests to arrive through Jim’s Formalwear so we can decide which gold vest to choose
  • Figure out a hairstyle
    • I cut my hair into a pixie cut on March 17, 2017. I have been growing my hair out for the wedding and need to work with my hairstylist too see if I can do a chignon or a bun in the back of my head

And this is what needs to get done by the end of March:

  • Get the groomsmen and best man measured for their tuxes
  • Have my dress alterations consultation and maybe a fitting after the first alterations are made
  • Get Franklin measured for his Class A uniform
  • Think of songs for the important parts of the reception (wedding party’s reception entrance, first dance, mother-son dance, father-daughter dance, and tosses)
    • I have some songs thought out, but not all of them
  • Encourage my mom and grandmother to start looking for dresses to wear for the wedding
  • Get invitations designed and (maybe) sent out

Decluttering in 2019: Fall Fun

Okay, so for the last time, I will be posting what I got rid of from October through December.

  • Three shirts
    • One shirt had armpit stains that wouldn’t wash out, another had sleeves that were starting to come apart, and a third shirt was a shirt with a collar that was rubbing against my neck and left a mark

So now that 2019 is over, how do I feel about the decluttering? Honestly, I feel like I didn’t get rid of as much stuff as I planned. I’ll have to keep working on decluttering for the first half of 2020 so I won’t take too much stuff with me when I get married.