Mental Health

I Have ADHD Now. I Feel Broken.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a physical and tetanus booster. I won’t find out the blood test results for another few days.

For a few years now, I’ve been having trouble focusing. For a few years now, I’ve been having short-term memory issues. Last week, my issues started affecting my job so I decided to see a doctor about it. I was given a self-assessment for ADHD and my doctor reviewed it. I have a very mild case of ADHD, and right now, I’m not going to be put on medication unless it gets worse.

So now I have another thing cognitively wrong with me (ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, undiagnosed depression, possible undiagnosed autism). I’m considered disabled now since ADHD is a disability. I can’t get treated for my ADHD because it’s so mild and the medication could cause issues with my heart. I have a naturally high heart rate and ADHD medications are stimulants. My doctor is just going to monitor my ADHD for now. I know mindfulness won’t work; that’s hippie bullshit that hasn’t been proven effective and is just a fad.

Ever since my diagnosis yesterday, I’ve been having constant suicidal thoughts. I can’t talk to anyone about it and I can’t call the suicide hotline. Even doing kickboxing today couldn’t stop the suicidal thoughts, and it always does.

I should check myself into the hospital, but I can’t. I’m meeting up with my Godfather this evening for dinner and I promised my co-worker that I’d pick him up from the train station tomorrow. He’s returning from Florida after visiting his dad from the hospital.

I want my brain fixed. I want to be normal. I want to live to see my 25th birthday, even though I keep feeling that I’ll die before then.


Self-Reflection: Goals for June 2017

I know it’s weird to mention goals this late in the month, but I’m doing it anyway! You can’t stop me! I haven’t set goals for myself since January, and although I don’t set goals each month, I feel like setting goals will help me become closer to who I want to be.

  1. Learn a new life skill. I’m very far behind in regards to independent life. If I learn life skills, I can finally move out of my parents’ house. I’ll probably learn how to properly cook first because my cooking skills are limited to using the microwave and boiling water to make food. Gosh darnit, I want some chicken orzo soup sometimes!
  2. Start learning and using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques. Seeing as how my mental health has been getting worse since last year and therapy didn’t help me at all with my issues, I’m going to do things myself. I mainly did cognitive behavioral therapy with my second therapist, and I felt like this was the most effective thing for me. I even stopped picking at my skin for awhile! I found a site that has cognitive behavioral therapy techniques that I can do on my own. In a later blog post, I will talk about techniques I have learned in therapy and techniques that I learned online.
  3. Get my yellow belt in kickboxing. Typically, kickboxing classes don’t have belts. I think this is a way to track progress and see what there is to learn next. We don’t have official tests until black belt, but the coach decides when we have earned our belt. My kickboxing coach is a godan (5th degree black belt) in karate and a former professional kickboxer. I hope I get my yellow belt this month because he said it takes 3 to 6 months to be able to get a yellow belt for the kickboxing class and I’ve been doing this for more than 4 months.
  4. Finally start reading the book “Harmony” by Karis Walsh. I’ve had that book since Christmas and haven’t read it yet. That was because I wanted to save the book so I could read it during jury duty selection back in January. They didn’t need me to come in, though. Even if I only read a chapter or two this month, at least I finally read it.
  5. Start doing some exercises outside of kickboxing class. I have a set of 3-pound weights and 8-pound weights at home (they were my dad’s. The 3-pound weights were for his physical therapy after his shoulder surgery 3 years ago), I have a treadmill, and I have enough space to do ab work and work on my splits (I can almost go all the way down when my right leg is forward and I’m so happy about that!). Exercising outside of class could help me become a better kickboxer in regards to strength and stamina. Maybe my co-worker would want to spar or something.

Wow, that’s more goals than I originally thought of (goals one and three were my original goals for this month)! I should be able to do it though, although the yellow belt in kickboxing will be the hardest goal to achieve this month because although it’s up to me to work hard, the coach has the final say in when I get my belt. So tell me, readers, what goals do you have for this month or the next few months?


June 2nd: Gun Violence Awareness Day

Warning: Mentions of homicide, gun violence, and death. Please don’t read this blog if any of the aforementioned is your trigger.

So I’m late on this, mainly because I didn’t get home that night until after 9:30 PM. June 2nd is Gun Violence Awareness Day. On this day, people wore orange and there were events. I don’t have an orange shirt, so I couldn’t wear an orange shirt. There was a rally in this nearby big city which included¬†sharing stories of those who died from gun violence and a fun parade. I wish I was there too, since I want to become a better advocate by attending actual events.

Why do I care about decreasing the number of gun violence incidents? My friend from middle school died from gun violence in July 2016.

I’ll tell you about my friend. Her name was Jenna and she moved into the house next door to me during the summer of 2003. We started middle school together and we were on the same team (at my middle school, everyone was in a team, and each team had a set of teachers. Your team started with a number, which is the grade you are in. My friend and I were on team 6-south). She played soccer and I played tennis. In the middle of seventh grade, she moved away and she lived with her grandmother. We would e-mail and write letters to each other, but that stopped when she gave birth to her son during high school.

I only found out about her being killed because I looked her up in January and the first results on Google were about her death. She was sitting in her car when she was shot, and she drove herself to the hospital. She was 24, and what made her death sadder was that she had given birth to her third child a few weeks before she was killed. She was not being targeted for any reason, but she was definitely in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I’m not the only one with a story like this, where someone you once knew was killed due to gun violence. Let’s work together to decrease gun violence.

Books · LGBTQ

“I Can’t Think Straight” Book Review

So this review was originally going to be on YouTube, but now that YouTube restricts LGBT content for not being “family-friendly”, I can’t do the video anymore. So my review will be here!

I found out about this book online via the Gay and Lesbian section of Powell’s Books when I was looking for LGBT books. I read the synopsis and liked what I read, so I got the book for my 24th birthday.

Meet Tala, a Jordanian living in London. She is engaged for the fourth time to Hani. Meet Leyla, the girlfriend of Tala’s best friend. Despite only being weeks away from getting married, Tala struggles to make the choice between doing what is expected of her and following her heart.

I liked this book and would read a chapter each night. I liked how I could easily identify with characters in the book. I liked how I could feel like I was a character in the book instead of being a reader.

There were some things that surprised me about the book. I was surprised that it was in chapter four when one’s romantic feelings for the other were hinted. I kind of expected it to take longer, to be honest. I was also surprised at how early the kiss occurred. Maybe it just seems a little fast? Then again, I’m kind of used to fanfiction where there is slower progression of romance (but not so slow that I lose interest).

Was there anything that I didn’t like in the book? The book was too short.

Unlike other books I have read (either for pleasure or for school) I actually identified with a character. In this case, I really identified with the character Tala. I have to either keep things about me to myself or follow what is expected of me because society tells me so, I don’t want to be the odd one out in my family, or because it’s just not something that people want to acknowledge in your culture.

So tell me, people who read this blog, have you read any LGBT books? Do you have a favorite LGBT book? What is your favorite book (LGBT-themed or not)?