Mental Health

What Am I Doing With My Life?

Running by penis-shaped feces. That’s what! (More on that later)

Now that I’m suspending my wedding countdown posts until who knows when, I need to make blog posts that haven’t been related to my wedding. This had kind of turned from “Diary of Self: A journey to finding out who I am” to “Diary of Self: Journey to Getting Married with bits of other things.” This is kind of an update on my life that I don’t often talk about due to wedding talks on here.

Wedding planning stuff has been put on hold until we figure out whether to push through or postpone. Invitations have not been sent out yet, but we may put an insert saying that things may change in the future. Right now, reading or hearing about weddings slips me into a depression. All of my computers are in the basement and a lot of wedding stuff is here too. Kind of feel like my therapist is unsympathetic to my situation and I find her (and others) trying to put things into perspective and try to make my very rigid treatment-resistant brain think in other perspectives is VERY INVALIDATING.

To segue to the mental health portion, I’m still doing therapy, but teletherapy for right now. I’m really hoping to not be stuck in therapy for the rest of my life, but my Generalized Anxiety in addition to my parents not getting me help very early in life will mean I’ll be stuck in therapy for a very long time. Being put on medication will actually kill me. I’m currently working on mindfulness techniques with my therapist, and I’m finally at the point where I don’t get angry by reading the word “mindfulness.” I have bad connections with that word because my previous ex kept preaching it even though it didn’t help with his ADD. You can read all about my negative experience with the term here. I’m still very skeptical of mindfulness, but I have to participate in therapy so I can say “I tried, but it didn’t work.” I occasionally go to Twitch user SheSnaps for meditation because a lot of her issues were helped with meditation (as well as cannabis and psychedelics, but I can’t use drugs due to my job). I miss the therapy dog at my therapy center.

Working from home, and while I don’t have much to do in regards of work that can be done at home, I have more time to work on my assignments for school. I also like not waking up to my alarm clock. It interrupted a really good dream one time! I still go to bed at the same time to keep a schedule going for me. Things have gotten better at work. Many months ago, I was getting so stressed at work because a lot of work was getting piled onto me due to me being a federal contractor, I professionally called people out on it and it stopped. One day, I will work directly for the federal government.

I’m a purple belt at my kickboxing gym back in February. I got my blue belt this past June which made me an assistant coach. My next belt will be a red belt, and I think I’ll be the first woman who earns that belt. I won’t be eligible for that for another year or so. With the kickboxing gym being closed, I run outside about 2 times per week or whenever the temperature is above 60 degrees Fahrenheit (15.5 degrees Celsius). I run two laps around my neighborhood which is 0.8 miles (nearly 1.3 km). It’s not much, but I used to be the person who struggled to do 0.25 miles (0.4 km) without stopping. Also this is where I saw penis-shaped feces during one run. Pick up after your dogs!

I enjoy my classes, which are electives. My Human-Computer Interaction class is really helping me to prepare for the graduate project I want to do, which deals with web accessibility and people with cognitive disabilities. Now that things are online, I miss my friend. However, my professors are making things better than I anticipated. One professor meets via WebEx, so we still have class at home. This really helps because I have trouble learning independently. For my other class, he releases the slides and a supplemental video at the typical class time so I take notes during that time.

I love Pluto TV because it also has live channels. Crank Yankers all day every day. I still watch things on digital cable, but I hate popular stuff so no Netflix for me. I’m tired of seeing ads for Tyler Perry’s Ruthless (Trigger warning for that show: human trafficking and cults).