Self-Discovery · Self-Reflection

Independence Scares Me

Hey everyone, I am about to go back to grad school to start the spring semester so I will not be posting as much. Then again, I haven’t posted much during winter break.

So I will be the first to admit that being independent scares me. I’m just not used to it, really. I started being independent on some things late, too. I didn’t start dressing myself for school until 4th grade. I was in college when I finally started picking out my own clothes to wear. My grandmother was worried about me when I started college since I was going to be living in a dorm and never really learned the life skills I needed to be independent. It is important to note that I was not diagnosed with autism at that time. That diagnosis came over two years after I originally wrote this.

I have been called sheltered multiple times by a former co-worker as well as my previous boyfriend. While I wasn’t really bothered by my former co-worker using that word to describe me, being called sheltered multiple times by my ex somewhat damaged me and has triggered bouts of high anxiety. Due to my mental health issues, my parents feel the need to coddle me. I know my anxiety disorder means that being independent is extremely hard because when I hear about all the things I still need to do, my anxiety is triggered. Trying something that will help me be more independent is anxiety-inducing. I still feel the need to be coddled.

If I was truly independent, I wouldn’t still be living with my parents at age 26. I wouldn’t have mental health issues that cause me to not be able to live alone (not exactly safe for me). I wouldn’t be labeled a damaging label like “sheltered”. If I were truly independent, I would be able to drive myself more places instead of getting anxiety when driving on interstates.

I was driving home from work earlier this month when I thought about how I will eventually need to drive myself to and from classes for grad school. The goal I had originally set was to drive to school myself for the spring semester. I was practicing, but then mom was living with grandmother for part of October to help my grandmother recover from her hip replacement surgery. I worry about not meeting my goal of driving myself because if I can’t do it after the first week of classes (the spring parking permit does not go into effect until February 1st, after my first week of classes), will I ever be able to drive myself?

So I came up with a plan. On both of my class days next week, I will drive to and from school with mom in the vehicle since the spring parking pass doesn’t go into effect at the start of the semester for some reason. If I feel comfortable driving each time I get behind the wheel and take the interstate to and from school, I will purchase a parking pass. If not, then I’ll keep practicing and get a spring pass the next month. Does that sound like a good plan? I’m not used to taking charge of making a major life change like this.

Now can someone tell me why L-theanine mostly comes in pill form? I can’t swallow pills.

Self-Reflection · Try Something New 2018

Looking Back on the Try Something New in 2018 Pledge

In this blog, I pledged to try one new thing each month in 2018. The new thing could be trying a new food, doing a new activity, or going someplace new. I have asked my fellow readers and my fiancé to hold me accountable. At the end of each month, I told you all what new thing or things I have tried and discussed the barriers that caused me to not try it before.

2018 is over and we are now in 2019. I can now say my wedding is next year! But let’s stay in the present and look at the past in this blog.

Surprisingly, I was able to keep myself accountable for doing something new this month. Yes, there were some days that I only tried one thing new, but it’s something. Starting out, I was doing a lot of new things, which is probably why some months didn’t have many new things. I was able to add a few new foods to add to my somewhat short list of foods I eat.

If I were to pick a favorite thing I tried, it would be joining the choir at my Unitarian Universalist church. It’s mostly men, though. From what I was told, there used to be a lot more women in the choir, but I know two choir members just moved to a different state so they clearly won’t be at the church anymore. It wasn’t a problem before since we were able to recruit more sopranos for last month’s song, but it’s becoming a problem for me now since I can’t sing as high as I’m supposed to because I can only hear the men.

So for 2019, I have decided to do a quarterly decluttering. I’m doing the decluttering as a way to get a head start on getting rid of things I don’t need so I won’t be rushing to do it right before the wedding.