Our hearts knit together, with no intention or aim
And the feelings have stirred, unstoppable.
Would you say it’s wrong?
Well, I don’t give a damn.
It’s not for them to decide.
-English Translated Lyrics of “Linear Blue wo Kikinagara” by Unison Square Garden
Yes, I wrote my coming out story before, but I’m going to do it again as this is an updated version of my coming out story. Read this
to read my original coming out story (that was edited once or twice). I will first do my coming out as bisexual story first, then will do the “Why do I also identify as queer?” part later in this blog.
I come from a family of huggers. I didn’t know that it would make people think I was a lesbian in 6th grade. I didn’t expect to kiss my (female) friend at home after intramural sports. (Yeah, I never counted that as my first kiss since I wasn’t on the receiving end. I forget about that kiss sometimes). I didn’t expect another female friend next door would pretend I was Raviv “Ricky” Ullman from the show “Phil of the Future” and make out with me (Gosh, we both had a crush on Ricky Ullman). I don’t know why people at school thought I was a lesbian because everyone in sixth grade knew about my big crush on a guy named Adam. I was also very boy-crazy from the time I was in 4th or 5th grade until probably some time in university (no, seriously, if a group of friends write a letter to you saying that you talk about a cute guy so much that you have to stop talking about him or talk to him, that’s bad).
It’s time to fast forward to university. I had a crush on a football player who looked like my most recent high school ex-boyfriend. In October 2010, I had a sudden urge to kiss the girls I knew. I don’t know where the urge came from, but it scared me. I later learned that it wasn’t uncommon for someone to want to know what it’s like to kiss someone who is the same gender as they are (or is it more common for girls?), and didn’t worry about it anymore. The urge went away for every girl except for the girl who sat next to me in my basic statistics class. I never thought about it as me liking her until later in my self-reflective times. She’s actually the first girl I ever liked. The first girl I knew I was starting to like was one of my suitemates during my sophomore year of high school, but nothing went past “I think I’m starting to like her. This scares me!” stage of liking her because I started dating a guy from anime club! Junior year, I was talking to my friend and she said I was suppressing my feelings for my suitemate. I ended up confessing to my former suitemate via text message. I never found out if she liked me back (she probably didn’t), but I did find out for sure that she’s a lesbian (yeah, kind of figured that since she preferred to wear masculine clothing). I didn’t want to label my sexual orientation at this point, so I labeled myself as Kinsey 1. I had dated another guy from anime club the year before and liked another guy my junior year after a bad breakup with the second anime club guy, so I definitely wasn’t gay and didn’t feel like I liked enough girls to be bisexual.
Senior year is when I was confronted with questioning my sexual orientation once again. I thought my ex-boyfriend’s roommate was cute, but when I was listening to a feminine-presenting person’s coming out story, I imagined falling in love with her*, and I did. I had a dream that I held her* hand and when I realized I was starting to like her*, I got scared. Once I accepted the feelings, I waited until the end of the semester to confess my feelings for her*. I planned to walk with her* to her* dorm building and confess there, but I wrote a note to her* just in case someone also walked with her*. Someone was of course walking with her* so I handed her* the note and went back to my on-campus apartment. She* wasn’t interested in dating anyone, and I almost cried due to how many times I was rejected in my life. The next semester, I had a lunch outing with another feminine-presenting person. We were at Subway for three hours and the only reason why we didn’t stay longer was because she* had calculus homework to do. When I got back to my room, I realized how much fun I had with her* and wanted to ask her to be my Valentine. I bought origami paper and practiced making an origami heart so I could give it to her* at the LGBTQIA club meeting right before Valentine’s Day.
At some point I think around this time, I realized that I was (and still am) indeed bisexual, but I didn’t accept that about myself yet.
Because the universe likes to work against me, the LGBTQIA club meeting was canceled due to an impending snowstorm and the president and vice president did not want commuters to put their lives at risk on the way to the club meeting or get stranded at school. I may have almost cried then too. I instead made heart on Valentine’s Day and carry it with me everywhere I went just in case I saw her*. Before I was able to deliver the heart to her*, I accepted my bisexuality. About a month after I gave her* the heart, I found out that she* had a girlfriend she* was in a long-distance relationship with. I only came out to three people during that semester, and they all were LGBTQ in some way: I first came out to my lesbian friend, then came out to one of my best friends in the university who is a pansexual trans man, and then I came out to my bisexual ex-boyfriend whom I stayed friends with. I was hesitant to come out because:
1. I had only been in relationships with guys.
2. People may not believe me because…
a. I’m realizing my sexuality later in life compared to others, and
b. People might think I’m bisexual until graduation
I still liked girls since then, so reason 2b is not true. We first have one of the workers from Noodles & Company (probably called Noodles World Kitchen now). Long story short, it turned out she had a boyfriend and I honestly felt led on. I also briefly long-distance dated a girl who lives in Seattle on the other side of the United States. We would communicate through text messaging, phone calls, and a Tinychat room for lesbians and bisexual women (where we met). I never told anyone about that until now. Finally, I liked someone that I worked with because I felt a connection with her since we’re both skin pickers. I came out to her (a.k.a. she figured it out after I made a comment) and it felt so freeing compared to when I came out to people before. I started liking her again and long story short (since I don’t feel comfortable sharing the long story yet, if ever), I almost lost my job over it and was almost forced out of the closet.
*for the purpose of this part of the coming-out story, I am using she/her pronouns. This will change later.
Now for as why I identify as queer, here’s that portion of the story:
I mentioned these two people in university as being feminine-presenting. This is because they both still used she/her pronouns at the time. Sometime after I graduated from university, they both were educated on non-binary gender identities and came out as non-binary and using they/them pronouns. While I would still solely identify as bisexual if only one person came out as non-binary, but with more than one prior romantic interest identifying as non-binary now, I felt like the queer identity worked as well. Bisexuals often get called transphobic or binarist because of the “bi meaning two” prefix. Recently, a friend from university told me that one of the people presenting as feminine at the time I was in undergrad has come out as identifying as a guy.
I am mostly closeted because my dad’s homophobic, my mom’s side of the family is religious, people won’t believe I’m bisexual, biphobia is rampant with both gay people and straight people, and it’s not something that every person in the world needs to know. I am out to a small handful of people in real life, but I feel more comfortable coming out to people online.
This is DiaryOfSelf, and thanks for reading my coming out story.