Mental Health

Mental Health Awareness Month: Why I Care

Trigger Warning! This post will mention self harm, suicide, suicidal thoughts, plans, and attempts. If this is your trigger, go away and sing the song of sixpence.

Short answer: Because I and people I know have some form of mental illness.

It’s another Mental Health Awareness post! Why? Why not? I was asked at my church to do a reflection on current events affecting people of color, and knowing the extra mental health challenges and treatment challenges people of color face, I thought to have a big focus on people of color’s mental health. Now I’m on a mental health awareness kick and am working to help people understand why we should care about mental health. Let’s start with my story.

I’ve struggled with anxiety my entire life, with my first public anxiety attacks being at ages 4 and 9. I’m not going to talk about the 4-year-old experience since one of my readers has emetophobia, but the first time someone said I was having an anxiety attack was during private swimming lessons when I was 9. I couldn’t articulate what my trigger was (still can’t), but I knew I didn’t want to do this one swim drill that I never liked. Swimming lessons were only 5 minutes because of the anxiety attack and I had to do a makeup lesson. It’s called the Superman. This video is the best I can show to describe it. While the video text is in Japanese, knowledge of Japanese kana is irrelevant for the demonstration. Also, the video has the swimmer pushing off from the floor of the pool. My swim teacher had me pushing from the inner wall of the pool.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was 13 and my threats weren’t taken seriously until I was nearing 22. I self harmed for a couple of years, but I used methods that don’t leave scars. Yes, I learned that self harm was an option thanks to that Degrassi episode “Whisper to a Scream”. I almost attempted suicide after a breakup. There were a couple of times where I went a year without the thoughts. I’ve been to 4 different therapists and nothing is helping. I explain more of my story in this recent post.

My current diagnosis is Generalized Anxiety Disorder with emotional regulation issues, but I feel like I have other yet-to-be diagnosed issues like Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, and/or autism. Of course, I’m not going to claim those diagnoses until I get formally diagnosed. It’s why I’m seriously considering going inpatient through this minimum 3-week program.

I’m not the only person I know who has struggled with mental health issues.

I first learned about Generalized Anxiety Disorder because a friend from middle school inherited it from her mom. My friend’s anxiety trigger (or the only one her mom mentioned) is not being the first person to receive their assignment back. I also had a friend with depression. Some friends even self harmed.

One of my friends attempted suicide during our third year of university. She still struggled with coping with a breakup that happened a year and a half prior to her attempt. I didn’t find out about the attempt until she came to see me on-campus (she was a commuter) on a Friday after she finished her inpatient hospitalization at a well-known mental health institution in my state. It took her another year to get over her breakup, but she only got over him because he had a nervous breakdown and quit school before his final year.

Another friend had a friend (didn’t know her) who committed suicide by jumping off a bridge. While I didn’t know her, I knew of that story so I didn’t want to exclude it.

The night before my university graduation, my brother stopped someone from committing suicide. Of course, my dad not caring about my mental health issues and struggles with suicidal thoughts at the time, said that the guy didn’t really want to kill himself because he wouldn’t have hesitated.

I think we heard about my friend enough, but he’s the big reason why I’m pushing to destigmatize mental illness in communities of color. I’m just trying not to cross the thin line between telling his story and using his story to further my cause. There’s a woman at my church who I feel only talks about her daughter in regards to her daughter’s recovery from opioid addiction. While these blog posts will help you gain an understanding, I will tell more of my friend now and piece some things together. This is the full story.

My friend is very smart. Last semester (talking about Fall 2019), his quiz and exam scores were better than mine. He makes me laugh and he shares memes with me. However, he lacks self-confidence (as do I) and according to another friend, is possibly under pressure to do well in school due to him being Asian. He has ADHD, anxiety issues that are likely tied into his ADHD, and depression. Neither of us did well in our midterm exam for one of our classes. I figured the exam was hard because he was hitting his head against the wall during the exam. I thought “I feel you, I feel you. This is hard.” However, he was more than disappointed. He was shaking. He seemed angry. I felt his emotions encapsulate my soul. I was afraid of him because I have never seen him like this before. When he slammed his laptop lid closed and said “I’m dropping this class” (or something like that), I almost burst into tears. I don’t like change and he was the only reason why I looked forward to that class. He started putting his things in his backpack and I didn’t dare try to stop him from leaving the classroom. He didn’t leave the classroom at that point. With 15 minutes of class left (we spent an hour reviewing our answers and asking questions about our exam scores), my professor started to give his lecture. I thought “How dare he! We don’t need to spend 15 minutes on something that no one is going to pay attention to. My friend is clearly in mental anguish!”

I tried so hard to convince him not to drop the class and even had some people he knew try to talk to him about it. I even wrote in a blog post that I’d slap him if he dropped the Monday/Wednesday class. No seriously. I wanted to slap him. I felt like I’d have a void in my heart if I only say him on Tuesdays instead of Monday through Wednesday. However, as I will mention later, I will regret wanting to slap him and realized that I shouldn’t be so selfish.

The day before Halloween, my friend told me that his mental health wasn’t very good that month, but he doesn’t like talking about his mental health issues. I knew he was upset over his exam grade and he felt like his presentation in a class I wasn’t in didn’t go very well, but I didn’t know anything else that could have happened. Again, foreshadowing. I was going to text him to tell him that he can talk to me about his mental health issues since I also have my mental health struggles. I wasn’t sure if he was worried about judgment or just doesn’t like to talk about his mental health issues in general. Turns out it was the latter.

Fast forward to November 4th, the last day to drop a class without it counting as a failed class. While he was talking to the professor about whether or not he should drop the class, I went to find our friend so he could do one final convincing. I found another person who could help convince, but then I said that I wasn’t sure if it would seem like we were ganging up on him. It was nearly 7 PM when we were about to leave and I thought my friend had left without me. Turns out he didn’t. We had caught him right before he ran to the adjoining parking garage after my professor… even though I said the professor left a few minutes prior. My other friend had to calm me down because I was so frazzled due to absorbing my friend’s emotion that I was probably close to hyperventilating. To make things easier, I will refer to that friend as my empath friend since we’re both empaths. My friend came back looking defeated. My empath friend was talking to him and that was when my friend revealed that he felt like if he crashed, he could crash and burn. My empath friend asked what he meant. My friend said that if he crashed and burned, it’s game over. That’s it. My empath friend asked for clarity. My friend said “If I tell you, you won’t be able to unhear it.” That’s when I knew that he was having suicidal thoughts. My empath friend was honestly being pushy at this point. My friend looked at me, and I was feeling like I should leave. I was about to ask if I shouldn’t be here to hear this, but I felt rooted by the way my friend looked at me, like his eyes and face showed every ounce of pain he’s been going through. Then I learned that I was right, but I didn’t know the extent. I heard the words that I will not soon forget.

I was suicidal, [insert name of empath friend here]!

He continued to say that things were so stressful with school that he was looking online at shotguns so he could buy one at the nearby gun store and end his life during the week of midterms. I was really shocked that things were that bad that he had a plan in place. Many of us are taught the signs of someone planning to commit suicide, but I can safely say that due to him not liking to talk about his mental health issues, he never showed any of the signs. He masked everything. I felt myself close to tears and despite my efforts, a tear fell from my left eye first. Then the right eye. Then the tears wouldn’t stop. Then my breathing did that thing that happens sometimes when people cry. Don’t know what you call it. Google said it’s what happens when sobbing. I didn’t react like this when I found out another friend attempted suicide years ago. I told him that I’d rather he drop the class and I’d only see him once a week than never seeing him again, then I walked off to the bathroom to get toilet paper to use as a tissue. I felt horrible crying in front of him, because I was scared he’d feel so horrible for making me cry that he’d hurt himself. When he went home, I hugged him for so long. I was scared to let go. He apologized to me, and then apologized again the next day. He felt bad for telling us about his mental health issues. I stayed to talk with my empath friend because I knew driving in a highly-emotional state is not a good idea. He helped me realize why I had such a strong emotional reaction. Why the song “Under Your Scars” by Godsmack has a much stronger meaning to me. Why the song “Song for a Friend” by Jason Mraz was recommended to me months before this blog post was written. Why I got angry the next day when some young co-workers told me to stop talking to him.

I love him.

Mental Health

Worsening Mental Health

So my mental health has been worsening, and I don’t know if it’s time to call it quits with therapy again.

I think after 6 months, there should have been improvements in my coping skills and emotional regulation. However, any tools I learn go out the window whenever I’m in distress. I had two near-meltdowns this weekend and yesterday’s almost sent me to the hospital.

Four therapists, and I get worse each time I’m in therapy? Something’s truly wrong with me. I know what I have isn’t just Generalized Anxiety Disorder like I’ve been diagnosed. I’m VERY sure I have Borderline Personality Disorder (as well as autism, because autism often presents differently in girls and medical professionals only know the male symptoms), but therapists are afraid to treat Borderline patients. It’s seen as untreatable, even by mental health professionals. However, I can’t live like this anymore, so I might check into an inpatient intensive mental health program so I can get the proper diagnosis and an intensive jumpstart on my treatment.

My brain is so treatment-resistant because my parents failed to get me help when I was a kid and was having public anxiety attacks even before I started school (I’d talk about my first anxiety attack, but one of my readers is emetophobic so I’ll spare everyone that). If I had treatment as a kid, I wouldn’t have the GAD diagnosis since I’d be able to use any coping skills.

People choose to not choose their words carefully and they trigger me. My near-meltdown yesterday happened in front of my fiance and I now fear that our relationship is going to end. I know he’s having trouble with my mental health issues because he told me he wants couples counseling to learn how to handle my intense emotions (I have emotional regulation issues).

I feel like I may have to start medications, but I’m scared that once I get put on medications, I can never get off of them. It is also the same to me as surrendering my life to my mental illness. GAD never gets better. To me, medication = suicide.

Mental Health

DiaryOfSelf Reviews Meditation Methods

Disclaimer: I’m not a mental health professional and this blog post should not be seen as a substitute for mental health treatment.

May is Mental Health Month. Meditation has become a recent trend in mental health treatment, being coupled with the equally trendy mindfulness movement. Because my therapist wants me to work on mindfulness skills, I thought I’d try some meditations and review them for you!

1. Wim Hof Breathing

I first heard about Wim Hof’s breathing method through SheSnap’s Twitch stream when someone recommended the breathing method in her chat. I saw blogger Bri recommending it as well, so I thought why not?

Video that I recommend for absolute beginners.

What I Liked:

  • My mind barely wanders when doing the inhale and exhale portion
  • Wim Hof’s voice
  • The animated version of Wim Hof

What I Didn’t Like:

  • Having to do the meditation on an empty stomach. In the safety video that will be posted later, Wim Hof suggests doing his breathing meditation on an empty stomach
  • The breath holds. I still can’t make it to one minute of breath holds.
  • The fact that it (and other Wim Hof methods) claims to cure physical ailments. I hate the anti-medicine movement and without medications, I’d be blind. Or dead.

Overall Impression:

However, before you try anything Wim Hof teaches, watch his safety video first.

2. Singing Bowl Meditations

I first discovered the sounds of singing bowls last month when I was looking on the Facebook page of a store that hosted drum circle I wanted to attend last year. There was a video demonstrating the sounds of some singing bowls and I liked the sound. Therefore, I went to find singing bowl meditations.

What I Liked:

  • The sound of the singing bowls

What I Didn’t Like:

  • My mind always wandered
  • There are very few YouTube videos that have singing bowl meditations that are less than 10 minutes long. I find meditations longer than 10 minutes to be too long

Overall Impression: It doesn’t really work for me. Your mind should not wander during meditation, but my mind never focused.

3. Stop, Breathe & Think Videos

This was the first guided meditation I tried out. The videos feature meditations of 10 minutes or less as well as mindfulness meditations and exercises for kids.

What I Liked:

  • Their meditation videos are 10 minutes or less. This is good because I can only do at most 10 minutes of meditation without thinking “This is too long. When is it over?”
  • They gently reassure you at certain moments in case your mind starts to wander

What I Didn’t Like:

It’s bee a long time since I did this, but I don’t know if there was anything I didn’t like.

Overall Impression: I find this to be great for beginners, especially the 3-minute meditation for people who need to work their way up to longer meditations. Years ago, I saw a mindfulness website that had a beginner’s meditation for 15 minutes. That is way too long for someone new to meditation.

If I try out more meditation methods, I may either add on to this post or do another post. I should be more active in posting and reading blogs again soon. I have final exams this week.

Mental Health

What Am I Doing With My Life?

Running by penis-shaped feces. That’s what! (More on that later)

Now that I’m suspending my wedding countdown posts until who knows when, I need to make blog posts that haven’t been related to my wedding. This had kind of turned from “Diary of Self: A journey to finding out who I am” to “Diary of Self: Journey to Getting Married with bits of other things.” This is kind of an update on my life that I don’t often talk about due to wedding talks on here.

Wedding planning stuff has been put on hold until we figure out whether to push through or postpone. Invitations have not been sent out yet, but we may put an insert saying that things may change in the future. Right now, reading or hearing about weddings slips me into a depression. All of my computers are in the basement and a lot of wedding stuff is here too. Kind of feel like my therapist is unsympathetic to my situation and I find her (and others) trying to put things into perspective and try to make my very rigid treatment-resistant brain think in other perspectives is VERY INVALIDATING.

To segue to the mental health portion, I’m still doing therapy, but teletherapy for right now. I’m really hoping to not be stuck in therapy for the rest of my life, but my Generalized Anxiety in addition to my parents not getting me help very early in life will mean I’ll be stuck in therapy for a very long time. Being put on medication will actually kill me. I’m currently working on mindfulness techniques with my therapist, and I’m finally at the point where I don’t get angry by reading the word “mindfulness.” I have bad connections with that word because my previous ex kept preaching it even though it didn’t help with his ADD. You can read all about my negative experience with the term here. I’m still very skeptical of mindfulness, but I have to participate in therapy so I can say “I tried, but it didn’t work.” I occasionally go to Twitch user SheSnaps for meditation because a lot of her issues were helped with meditation (as well as cannabis and psychedelics, but I can’t use drugs due to my job). I miss the therapy dog at my therapy center.

Working from home, and while I don’t have much to do in regards of work that can be done at home, I have more time to work on my assignments for school. I also like not waking up to my alarm clock. It interrupted a really good dream one time! I still go to bed at the same time to keep a schedule going for me. Things have gotten better at work. Many months ago, I was getting so stressed at work because a lot of work was getting piled onto me due to me being a federal contractor, I professionally called people out on it and it stopped. One day, I will work directly for the federal government.

I’m a purple belt at my kickboxing gym back in February. I got my blue belt this past June which made me an assistant coach. My next belt will be a red belt, and I think I’ll be the first woman who earns that belt. I won’t be eligible for that for another year or so. With the kickboxing gym being closed, I run outside about 2 times per week or whenever the temperature is above 60 degrees Fahrenheit (15.5 degrees Celsius). I run two laps around my neighborhood which is 0.8 miles (nearly 1.3 km). It’s not much, but I used to be the person who struggled to do 0.25 miles (0.4 km) without stopping. Also this is where I saw penis-shaped feces during one run. Pick up after your dogs!

I enjoy my classes, which are electives. My Human-Computer Interaction class is really helping me to prepare for the graduate project I want to do, which deals with web accessibility and people with cognitive disabilities. Now that things are online, I miss my friend. However, my professors are making things better than I anticipated. One professor meets via WebEx, so we still have class at home. This really helps because I have trouble learning independently. For my other class, he releases the slides and a supplemental video at the typical class time so I take notes during that time.

I love Pluto TV because it also has live channels. Crank Yankers all day every day. I still watch things on digital cable, but I hate popular stuff so no Netflix for me. I’m tired of seeing ads for Tyler Perry’s Ruthless (Trigger warning for that show: human trafficking and cults).

DiaryofSelf Marries in 2020

T – 2 Months Post? Maybe? I Don’t Know Anymore

I am honestly unsure if the wedding will still happen on time. My state is about to go into a stay-at-home order and my venue is closed until further notice. Franklin is trying to stay hopeful, but he’s being stupid. I lost hope. Optimism is stupid at this time (actually, optimism is stupid in general). It is very likely now that our wedding won’t happen. It would make no sense to postpone due to the significance of why our date was chosen. We will just do a courthouse wedding if we can’t have our original date. I know I will go into a serious depression.

I’m going to have Franklin talk to vendors about the possibility of canceling the wedding. We have our invitations and the business who printed the invitations will help us include an insert about the possibility about it not happening, but we’re just going to send the insert that will say (paraphrased) “There is a possibility of our wedding not happening. If you have not booked your flights yet, don’t. Thank you for your understanding.”

This is not an official “The wedding is off. No more DiaryOfSelf’s wedding planning posts” blog post yet. That will come later. Now I’ll have to figure out what to post on here because I have once again lost the original aim of this blog and this turned into a wedding planning blog.

So many people have been telling me for months to call off my wedding because one of my friends in grad school has feelings for me. Guess they’re getting their wish, but not due to my friend from school.

DiaryofSelf Marries in 2020

Coronavirus May Ruin My Wedding

I’m not being dramatic. My wedding may not happen because of Coronavirus. I’m seriously panicking right now.

  • We went from groups of no more than 250 people to 50 people, and now 10-20 people
    • My current guest invite count is over 200 people
  • Piggybacking on the above point, the rule of no groups of more than 50 people is supposed to last 8 weeks
    • This will cut us close to the wedding
  • There are closures and restrictions on business hours
    • I’ve been constantly checking emails to see if my wedding venue is closing
    • I’m supposed to meet my officiant at Panera Bread in April (it’s his preferred meeting place). Can’t sit in at restaurants until who knows when
  • Courthouses are closed for 2 to 3 weeks
    • Can’t get the marriage license yet
  • Franklin may get activated by the national guard for who knows how long
    • Franklin feels like he might be gone for months which will interfere for the wedding

Franklin and I may have to do an emergency courthouse wedding just in case things don’t get better by June. As soon as the courthouse opens up again, we’re getting our marriage license. After that, we’ll figure out whether to get married in the courthouse and wait.

Note: This will be the last blog post that mentions Coronavirus. My therapist has suggested that I limit my exposure to media that mentions the Coronavirus due to my generalized anxiety. Since my readers may also be experiencing anxiety, I will refrain from future Coronavirus blog posts. Please talk to a mental health professional to learn or review coping skills during this time.

By the way, should I continue the T – (number) months posts? We’d still have a ceremony and reception regardless of whether or not we go to the courthouse. We’re also hoping to not postpone just in case my vendors are unavailable on a new date.

DiaryofSelf Marries in 2020

T – 3 Months: Mom’s Other Lucky Number

Holy crap! We’re already 3 months away! I don’t feel like I have everything together! Give me more time before I get married! So what have I done since the four-month mark?

  • Went to a consultation for alterations
  • Picked up my custom-made jewelry
  • Groomsmen and my dad have been measured for their tuxes
  • Got the invitations designed
  • Ordered some things needed for the wedding reception (cake stand, cake topper, etc.)
  • Mom ordered her and grandmother’s gowns online because they can’t find stuff in their sizes that don’t show a massive amount of cleavage

This is what needs to be done between now and the 2-month mark

  • First fitting!
  • Time to send out invitations!
  • Bridesmaids need to pick up their dresses and make alterations appointments
  • Schedule the details meeting at the venue
  • Schedule an appointment to meet with the officiant
  • Hope that Franklin’s family won’t be afraid to fly here

I probably forgot some things, but with school closing due to CoVid-19 and other things being affected by CoVid-19, I’ve been trying to prepare for classes going online after next week as well as other projects for school.