DiaryofSelf Marries in 2020

Wedding Planning Update: Changes to Things

Hey everyone, I didn’t want to post this, but there have been some changes that will seriously affect things in my wedding.

First of all, my Meet the Wedding Party blog post is wrong now. I need to replace a groomsman now. One groomsman is in jail for violating probation and just got sentenced to a year in jail and he may get out in 6-7 months if he’s on good behavior. Either way, he will not be out in time for the wedding. Once I find a replacement, I will make the change in the blog post.

Also, we may decide to elope, but still have the ceremony and reception on the originally planned day. I feel like so many things aren’t going MY way and if I can’t have the wedding I want, then no one will. What is pushing me over the edge is that I wanted my girls to all have the same shoes, but everyone is now wearing different shoes. The only reason why a girl would be allowed to wear different shoes is if they have medical issues where wearing heels is not an option. However, people are just being picky. You only have to wear the shoes for a few hours. Get over yourselves. If I had to be forced into makeup, you can wear open-toed shoes.

I’m just seriously done with everything. Once Franklin closes in on the house, we’re probably going to the courthouse.

Mental Health · Self-Reflection

This Thanksgiving, I Am Thankful For…

Trigger Warning: This blog post mentions suicidal thoughts and ideation. Please please please stay away from this blog if you find anything relating to suicide to be triggering!

Happy Thanksgiving! Today is the day where I volunteer at a community center for the third year in a row, I’m off from work, Franklin gets free food (as is tradition whenever he comes to my house), and we (are forced to) reflect on things we’re thankful for. I know some people have the same feelings about Thanksgiving that they do about Columbus Day, which is why this Thanksgiving post is for a time of reflection.

I never really had to do an “I’m thankful for…” speech on Thanksgiving until last year at my childhood friend’s apartment during “Friendsgiving”. Yay, fun.

There have been some things going on in the past month, starting with getting my midterm exam results back. Read that if you haven’t yet, and pay close attention to the friend I talk about in that blog post. Okay, you’re back. Well, my friend was going through some mental health issues last month and at the beginning of the month, I found out how bad things were getting. (Hence the trigger warning at the beginning)

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my friend still being alive. (Trigger warning starts here and ends at the next bolded text)

Let me preface this by saying that he’s been in therapy for awhile and got his medication dosage increased sometime last month. I’m thankful that he didn’t go through with committing suicide like he planned to do mid-October. He planned to buy a shotgun and… yeah… I had a friend attempt suicide before, but I had a much stronger reaction to what my friend was planning to do. I stayed at school after he left since I knew there would have been no way I could drive (I learned in driving school to not drive when you’re highly emotional).

This Thanksgiving, I am also thankful for still having him as a friend even though he has feelings for me.

I had it confirmed last week that the aforementioned friend likes me. Yes, he knows I’m engaged. While this seems a bit what the heck-ish to be thankful, you should know something… back in my second year of undergrad, a friend told me his feelings for me were so strong that if I didn’t date him, then he couldn’t be friends with me anymore. I’d feel really hurt if this friend’s feelings were so strong that I’d have to choose him or lose him. Besides, I’m engaged and my wedding is less than 200 days away. A little bit of a tangent that’s still related: I keep getting asked by the same person at work “Are you sure you want to get married?” and I’m getting tired of it. She even said yesterday that she thinks the wedding isn’t going to happen. I know it’s because of my friend. My mom wants me to invite this friend and another grad school friend to my wedding. I might as well be stepping on his heart…

So yeah, these things aren’t the typical “I’m thankful to have food on the table” or “I’m thankful for my family”, but they’re things I’m truly thankful for.

DiaryofSelf Marries in 2020

T – 7 Months: Lucky Seven, Seventh Heaven, or Mom’s Lucky Number?

Holy crap, there is only 7 months left! What have I done between 8 months out and now? Not much.

  • Picked up my wedding gown
    • It arrived in the beginning of October
  • Ordered custom-made jewelry
  • Scheduled a consultation for alterations
    • The consultation isn’t until February
  • Two of the bridesmaids picked out a dress

This is what needs to be done between now and the 6-month mark:

  • Stay calm as the 6-month mark approaches, because how are we only at 6 months now?
  • Have my Matron of Honor pick out her dress
  • Have the third bridesmaid order her dress
  • Figure out where to get tuxes
    • I have heard horrible things about Men’s Wearhouse so I don’t want to go with them, but it may be easier to use them since the best man lives in Seattle
  • Choose the cake
    • We really need to get the ball rolling for this. The bakery we want to use has you order your cake 6 – 9 months before the wedding

And this needs to be done by the end of this year:

  • Get the rest of the addresses from people who were on the same project where Franklin and I met
    • At this point, if we don’t have someone’s address by the end of the year, they’re not invited
  • Figure out what to put in wedding registries
  • Update the address book
    • This is ongoing for the time being, but I hope to not need to update it anymore after 2019 ends, but a co-worker is planning to move early next year so I’ll need to update the address book with his new address (he already gave me his current address)
  • Get more vases
    • I need a total of 15 vases, and I have 9 or 10 so far
  • Either send out the in-state save the dates at the end of this year or the beginning of next year
  • Probably should be scheduling a makeup trial too
Mental Health

Trying Therapy Again… Am I Letting You All Down?

Hello to my readers! If you have been reading my blog posts since the beginning of my blogging journey over 2 years ago, you know I’ve been in therapy 3 times and have not had any long-term success with my mental health issues. I ended up having to navigate self-treatment because I felt like I was beyond help. I mean, who sees three therapists with no success? Well, I later learned why therapy failed to work for me.

  • Mental health professionals in the county I live in is absolute shit
    • Seriously. I never realized how horrible mental health treatment is in that area until this one guy said he has to go all the way to Philadelphia… in another state… to get decent treatment for his Borderline Personality Disorder
    • There were things I didn’t know actually existed: coping skills, self care
    • I’ve also had therapists who weren’t very helpful. I had a meltdown shortly before therapy one time and the therapist didn’t work with me on how to not have meltdowns
    • I didn’t know until 2021 that I am autistic and that therapy is often autism-unfriendly (more discussion here)
  • I’m a minority
    • I think I mentioned it in another blog, but minorities often receive poorer quality mental health care (Source). I can’t completely blame my race on my inability to get better since I have only had one therapist that isn’t Black. Even the therapist I will soon start with is Black. That wasn’t my decision since I wasn’t sure if I should stick to the comfort of someone who lives the Black life I do.

But… over the summer, I realized that all of my mental health issues stem from my inability to cope with distress. I also had 6 near-meltdowns over the summer and 2 meltdowns this month alone (one of which happened on my birthday. It was my worst birthday ever since I got so distressed over my meltdown happening on my birthday that I almost had to go to the hospital), so it’s definitely time to get some proper diagnoses so I can get proper treatment.

But I feel like I’m letting all of my readers down because I’m trying therapy once more. I’ve spent some time showing that therapy doesn’t work for everyone and that I’m a success story of not needing therapy, but now that I need therapy, it shows that I wasn’t successful. I guess it reminds me of Zephyrus Todd, who was very popular in the Maker community and was asked to attend many Maker events as a VIP… until he came out as a guy and transitioned. People wanted a female Maker, but since he’s a guy, he doesn’t get many speaking arrangements anymore. Will I lose my followers because I’m going back to therapy? Should I even keep my “Why I Gave Up on Therapy” blog post if I’m returning to therapy?

Mental Health · School

Highly Sensitive Person vs Midterm Exam Results

You all are probably tired of seeing my wedding countdown every single time you see a new post from me has been created, so here you go. The title also reminded me of Scott Pilgrim vs The World, so I listened to some Scott Pilgrim songs while writing this.

Before we start this blog post, if you see the acronym HSP, that stands for Highly Sensitive Person. I first mention HSPs in my blog post called I Am A Highly-Sensitive Person. Here’s an excerpt from that blog post:

My high sensitivity is why I get extremely angry over social injustices. It’s why I have such a hard time adjusting to change. It’s why I worry so much about what people think of me. It’s why I pick up people’s emotions and absorb them as my own. It’s a part of why I have an anxiety disorder (fact: Highly-sensitive people are more likely to have issues with anxiety). It’s why I can’t stand criticism at all. It’s why I shut down if I am given multiple tasks in a short time. It’s why I desperately NEED to find out who I am and what my purpose in life is.

The parts I bolded are the aspects of my HSP trait that inspired this blog post. I pick up people’s emotions and absorb them as my own. However, I picked up multiple emotions from one person and only absorbed one emotion. Also, if this specific change were to happen, I would have an EXTREMELY hard time with the change.

How is grad school going? It’s majorly kicking my butt and I have no motivation this semester! Actually, this semester is kicking everyone’s butts. One guy was even hitting his head on the wall next to him during a midterm. Yes, I know the guy. You see, I had classes with this classmate last semester and he’s the only person I talk to in my classes this semester. We’re pretty close and he’s cute (hey, being engaged doesn’t cause blindness), which makes people think I have a crush on him (I’m getting married in June, hello…)

In order for things to make sense on this post, let’s first focus on the second bolded statement: It’s why I pick up people’s emotions and absorb them as my own. Or in this case: picked up multiple emotions from the same person and absorbed one emotion. We got our exam results back for one class (the one with the guy beating his head against the wall) and he and I didn’t do so well on it. I accepted it since a lot of us knew that some things on the exam weren’t on the study guide and I didn’t do much studying for it due to another exam, but the guy next to me seemed mentally and emotionally broken. I don’t know if he’s been pressured into the Asian stereotype where you MUST do well and get A’s and stuff, but he seemed pretty darn upset at seeing the 60-something score on his exam. I could sense his anger, his disappointment, and his upset state. However, I absorbed his feeling of being upset. Honestly, I was a bit afraid of my friend at this point. You could tell that he was about to hit or throw something.

Now this is where the first bolded statement, It’s why I have a hard time adjusting to change, comes in. When I heard the words “I’m going to drop the class” (or was it “I’m dropping the class”?) next to me, I almost burst into tears. You see, my friend in the class is the only person I talk to in that class. We know each other from last semester since we had the same classes then too. Talking to him is the only thing I look forward to in that class. If he drops the class, not only would I not be able to handle the change, but I won’t be talking to anyone at all. I’d have to go from seeing him thrice weekly to once a week. A void would open in my heart if he dropped the class (dramatic, I know…). I spent last week trying to get the people who know him to convince him not to drop the class. What helps is the professor is curving the scores at the end of the semester since my friend definitely would have dropped the class if there’d be no curve.

This semester would have been harder for me to endure without him. It’s about to be the deadline to drop a class without it counting as a failed class, so I hope I see him in my Monday/Wednesday class. Or I’ll slap him. Update: He didn’t drop the class, but after I learned something about the friend after I made this blog post, I regret wanting to slap him.

Midterm Exam – 0, Highly Sensitive Empath trait – 1