Try Something New 2018

Try Something New: New Thing in April

So first of all, I’m going to say something irrelevant: I am so happy about Janelle Monáe coming out as pansexual. It really started a conversation about what it means to be pansexual and while I don’t identify as pansexual, she is a black queer woman like I am. Representation matters. She’s my idol.

In this blog, I pledged to try one new thing each month in 2018. The new thing could be trying a new food, doing a new activity, or going someplace new. I have asked my fellow readers and my boyfriend to hold me accountable. At the end of each month, I will tell you all what new thing or things I have tried. I will also discuss the barriers that caused me to not try it before.

I’m going to be honest and say that I didn’t do much, but I still did something this month. It’s starting to become difficult to find something new to try. This month, I went to a new place. I went to Bonefish Grill.

Barrier to going to Bonefish Grill: The only seafood I eat is salmon cooked by my dad. It wasn’t until some time after graduating from university when I even tried salmon.

Why I went to Bonefish Grill: My grandmother got me the wrong gift card. I asked for Texas Roadhouse, but she got me an Outback Steakhouse gift card. I had been to Outback Steakhouse last month and a couple of other times within a six-month timespan, so I didn’t want to go back to Outback Steakhouse so soon.

My thoughts on Bonefish Grill: It was meh, in all honesty. I was given the wrong side and I found a bone in my salmon. The green beans were tough (I got green beans so I could eat healthy, but I never liked green beans). Not planning to go back to Bonefish Grill.

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Uncategorized

Things I Did While Boyfriend Was at Training

So on today’s date of April 27th 2018, my boyfriend comes home from a military class. Like many people whose significant others are away for something military-related (active duty, reserves, or National Guard), I can sometimes struggle with what things I can do while my boyfriend is away. Regardless of if your significant other is away for less than a month (like mine) or is away on deployment, it’s a good idea to find something to keep yourself busy. So instead of saying things that I want to do like I did in Temporary Goodbyes are Hard (and yes, this is the same class mentioned on here), I’ll tell you the things I did.

  • Spring Cleaning: In my bedroom, I have something that I call a hutch, but it’s probably actually a wardrobe. It had become cluttered so I took the time to do some long overdue decluttering. There’s a Geekfuel box that I won in a raffle at an old job that has some things that Franklin might want. If not, I can give the stuff inside the box away. I also dusted and decluttered the top of the dresser.
  • Take my car for emissions testing: I got an email earlier last week saying that it was time for emissions testing. I had to do it by July 11th, so I decided to go to a kiosk the Saturday after I got the email. I wanted to do it early since I’m about to be very busy and don’t want to forget about it.
  • Pay my summer tuition bill: I paid the tuition bill later than I had planned (bad diaryofself), but it was still well before the payment due date.
  • Get my immunization form signed: Yes, it’s another necessary task relating to grad school. I had to go to my doctor for him to fill out and sign my immunization form. Everyone is required to have received both doses of the Measles, Mumps, and Rubella (MMR) vaccine and the Tetanus-Diptheria-Pertussis (TDaP) vaccination in order to attend the university. I uploaded the document to the university health portal and was able to check another thing off my to-do list for grad school.

I have done some pretty important things while Franklin was away, especially the stuff related to grad school. For some reason, I keep holding off on buying my math textbook. I should really do that before I end up in a situation where the book won’t arrive in time. I should probably get on that.

Self-Reflection

A Letter to Me One Year After Starting This Blog

Dear DiaryOfSelf,

Exactly a year ago today, you started this blog. You started seriously wanting to figure out who you are. You’re still figuring it out and although you might never figure out who you are, you might be able to find your purpose in life. However, you have experienced personal growth.

You started trying new things even before the Try Something New in 2018 goal. You started taking some control of your anxiety, although you still have anxiety issues. You left a relationship that triggered some anxiety due to constantly being called sheltered, where the guy thought he was always right, and conformed to everything that was trendy. You met someone who is supportive. You got new diagnoses that surprisingly didn’t kill you. You sometimes struggle with your gender identity, but you’re becoming a little more okay with your biological sex and everything that comes with it. You are becoming a stronger, more vocal feminist. You recently started lifting real weights (not using the weight machines like you did in university) at your kickboxing gym after deciding to be silly and trying to use the ez-curl bar when it was just you and your boyfriend. It didn’t feel as silly or as heavy and now you have started lifting near the end of class almost every class. For the first time in your life, you feel empowered.

Here’s to another year of DiaryOfSelf, where within a year you will start grad school, lift weights to make yourself better in different aspects of life, get a blue belt in kickboxing, keep trying new things, and hopefully get engaged.

Try Something New 2018

Try Something New: New Things in March

In this blog, I pledged to try one new thing each month in 2018. The new thing could be trying a new food, doing a new activity, or going someplace new. I have asked my fellow readers and my boyfriend to hold me accountable. At the end of each month, I will tell you all what new thing or things I have tried. I will also discuss the barriers that caused me to not try it before.

Compared to January and February, I made sure not to do too many new things. February had a lot more new things than I mentioned, but taking an emergency trip to Florida to a place that is not Orlando had me going to a lot of new places.

Let’s start with a new food I tried, which was seared peppered ahi. You may know it as seared ahi tuna as well, but Outback Steakhouse has pepper on the ahi tuna.

Barrier to trying seared ahi tuna: Unless it’s salmon, I don’t eat seafood.

Why I tried the seared peppered ahi:

  • I had a spicy tuna roll before and thought seared peppered ahi would be good too
  • The opportunity presented itself when I saw it at Outback Steakhouse as an appetizer option

Fun fact: I wasn’t planning on trying the seared ahi tuna yet. I planned on trying it in June when I’d meet my Godfather for our annual dinner when he attends a police convention. This restaurant we go to offers seared ahi tuna as an appetizer and I was going to get it in June.

My thoughts on the seared ahi tuna: It was surprisingly really good! The ahi tuna seemed to melt in my mouth. I will definitely get this again.

I went to a new restaurant this month too.

Barrier to going to this restaurant:

  • I never heard of it
  • The place is 40 minutes away from my house
  • I’ve only been to that part of the state twice

Why I went to that restaurant: My boyfriend and I were visiting his dad’s cousin and her husband and they decided to take us out to dinner.

My thoughts on that restaurant: It was nice, but due to the distance, I wouldn’t really get to go there again unless we visit my boyfriend’s dad’s cousin again.

Before I end this month’s Try Something New post, I wanted to make a comment. When I was eating my seared peppered ahi, I was worried that one day this year, I would try a new food and not like it because of my success so far with trying new foods. Realistically, this may be a possibility.

Self-Reflection

One Month After Witnessing Death: How Am I Doing?

To anyone who wonders what the blog title is about: Read this blog post. If the blog post is too long for you to read (because it’s super long), just read the entry from Friday February 23rd. Basically what happened is that my boyfriend’s dad passed away on February 23rd and I was one of the people there who saw him take his last breath. Franklin’s family had been asking me if I was okay while I was in Florida, and since other people ask if I’ve been okay, I thought I’d answer that with this blog post.

I feel better now. I wanted to go to a couple of grief support meetings since the day of Franklin’s dad passing was harder on me than I expected, but the nearby support group is a 13-week group (thought: no problem, I could probably drop in and talk about the feelings I didn’t want to share with Franklin) and you have to pay for a workbook (thought: Nevermind…). I’m doing my best to support Franklin, but I feel like I haven’t been much help since we returned to Florida. With all that happened and all that I learned from Franklin’s uncle, I have decided if I quit the tech industry, I’m going to be a patient advocate. I’m still working towards letting things roll off my shoulder, but having an anxiety disorder and emotional regulation issues that are a part of ADHD makes things harder.

A couple of weeks ago, we got his dad’s jewelry cleaned and his dad’s ring fixed. We were lucky to get it done for free, but I think it was because of the circumstances. Typically, jewelry cleaning where we went to costs at least $20 and jewelry repair price varies. Thank goodness the ring mandrel made the ring round again. That was the easiest part of everything relating to his dad. The banks are still a problem.

Franklin’s doing the best he can with all the work he has to do as the executor of the will. He’s keeping himself busy with work, grad school, and executor duties. Right now, he’s back in his hometown for a celebration of his dad’s life (no, not a funeral. That happened last week) since Monday would have been his dad’s birthday. Save me a slice of that pizza, honey. This will probably be an emotional time for him since he’ll not be busy and his brain will once again process that his dad’s gone. I’ve been leaving my phone on and available so he can call since he told me that he’s scared that he’s going to have a breakdown at the celebration. I have never been in his shoes before, so all I can do is be there for him even if I’m not physically with him at this celebration.

Long story short, I’m learning from this experience and I hope Franklin doesn’t get overwhelmed with everything he has to do.

Awareness · Inclusion

My Thoughts on Black Panther

I’m going to try to make this as spoiler-free as possible. Or at least there won’t be any major spoilers. Long story short, this is a must-see movie for black people.

On March 17th, my boyfriend and I finally saw Black Panther. Two things jumped out at me: the emphasis on social justice issues involving black people, and T’Challa’s technology developer little sister Shuri.

The first thing I must say is that Black Panther did not get advertised as much on TV compared to other movies, and we know damn well why. Still, despite white Hollywood trying to make us unaware of this movie, r/BlackPeopleTwitter did it’s job to hype everyone up and it’s still scoring big bucks at the box office. You know, because we know the importance of representation in the media. I don’t watch superhero movies, and I don’t really go to movie theaters anymore after the movie theater shooting in Aurora, Colorado. However, BlackPeopleTwitter hyped up the movie so much for me that I knew I had to do something about it.

Characters like Nakia and Killmonger talk about the social justice issues that faced black people in the past and the social justice issues we still face. Even in recent years. No more explanation about that.

There are two tags that describe my feelings when I saw a black girl who develops tech stuff: #ISawMyself and #SeeHer. I’m a black woman in tech who has never been on a project with another black woman in tech. All the black women were in administrative roles. I was always the only black female software engineer in an industry oversaturated by white men. After the movie was over and my boyfriend asked me about my thoughts about the movie, I said “This will be the only time I will ever see another black woman in tech unless I look in the mirror.” Representation is so fucking important. We need to show other black women that they belong in tech. It’s why I’m excited to be going to grad school.

Going back to black representation, how many times do we see black people being represented as thugs, thieves, and murderers? How many times does media portray us in negative lights while white people get on news shows like Inside Edition for what would not be considered news? How many times are black people portrayed as successful and educated? Black Panther is the step toward proper representation of black people. Black Panther is the start of a revolution to change our media. We will get the same respect in media that white people do.

Even if you don’t watch superhero movies, this movie is groundbreaking. Vote with your wallet and see this movie. Show Hollywood that this is what we want in a movie. This movie is feminist-friendly, womanist-friendly, minority-friendly. I should have seen this movie sooner. WAKANDA FOREVER!

Self-Reflection

Recap and Reflection on a Sudden Trip to Florida

Warning: This blog post will be very long and there’s talk about death and dying. Please take care of yourself and don’t read this blog post if death and dying make you uncomfortable or trigger you.

First of all, read this blog post (and the update if you read the post before my update). It will give you a better background on the cause of my sudden trip.

Franklin got a call saying that his dad was about to go into hospice. Franklin decided he had to fly down to Florida to see his dad. He told me he had to fly down and there was discussion about me going as well. So he talked to my mom and when I come home from work, mom talked to me and I’m starting the packing process. That night, Franklin booked a flight. We flew to Florida Thursday morning and returned Monday afternoon.

Thursday, February 22nd

I wake up at 6:25 AM because Franklin is picking me up at 7 AM. I text my friend Marc to wish him a happy birthday and I get ready for getting picked up. After saying goodbye to my dad (my mom spent the night at my grandmother’s house so I said goodbye to her Tuesday night), I’m on the way to the airport. When we get to the long term parking area, I hand Franklin his birthday gift since he said he will open the gift the day we leave for Florida. I got him a sleeveless exercise shirt since he’s built muscle since we first started dating and I thought he’d like to show off his arms. We get our tickets and go through the TSA checkpoint. Uneventful. We check what gate we have to go to and our flight is delayed. At some point, my boyfriend checked something on Google and it said our flight status was unknown. Uh-oh, not good. I see some rocking chairs located by a window with a good view of planes taxiing to and from the gate. I go over to the chairs and focus on the rocking of the chair. It helped to calm my anxiety and I returned to the gate to once again sit with my boyfriend.

We fly to Orlando where Franklin’s uncle picked us up. I have a headache that doesn’t go away until later that night (later learned that you can get dehydrated on planes). The ride takes about an hour and a half from the airport to Franklin’s dad’s hospice house. We are warned that he looks rough, but the warning doesn’t prepare me from seeing how he looked. I have seen pictures of Franklin’s dad, but this man who looks to be asleep does not look like him. He seems to notice me in front of his bed and he “wakes up” and responds a little. He only responded to my presence and Franklin telling his dad that his birthday is the next day. We don’t stay at hospice long. We go to Franklin’s uncle’s house and since the only thing Franklin and I ate that day was our snack on the plane, Franklin’s aunt makes us a snack. We are given a glass of water, a container of yogurt and a plate filled with apple slices, a little bit of peanut butter, four crackers, and four pieces of cheese.

We are taken back to Franklin’s dad’s house, where we are staying during our trip. Franklin and I decide to unpack our things and rest before we go out to dinner since my headache is still there. I lie down on the couch while Franklin does something I don’t remember. We get into Franklin’s dad’s Subaru Outback and drive to Pasta Faire and have dinner with Franklin’s uncles and aunts. Near the end of dinner, I see our waiter gather the other waitstaff in a line. He walks into our section of the dining room and makes a birthday announcement. Turns out Franklin’s aunts and uncles surprised my boyfriend with a slice of birthday cake. The waitstaff sang “Happy Birthday” in Italian and they sang so loudly that my fading headache returned. The headache eventually went away.

Friday, February 23rd

It’s Franklin’s birthday. We celebrated the day before since we felt like we wouldn’t be able to celebrate today. We’re not here for a vacation. Today’s breakfast is the leftovers from last night’s dinner. After we eat our leftover and drink water to prevent me from getting dehydrated, Franklin goes to his dad’s room to start finding paperwork that he, his uncle, and aunt will go over just in case his dad passes. We set a time to go visit Franklin’s dad and we run late because Franklin is still finding all the papers. We are about to head to the hospice house when the hospice nurse calls. Franklin’s dad hasn’t been responsive today. When she said that, Franklin and I put our shoes on, grab our things, and drive to the hospice house.

We see Franklin’s dad look like he’s gasping for breath. The nurse meets with us and Franklin’s uncle and aunt join us at hospice. Franklin is hoping that his dad wasn’t expecting us to come back the prior evening and he told me to not blame myself (probably because of my headache that lasted a long time) I’m struggling to keep it together because I’m afraid that Franklin’s dad is going to die on Franklin’s birthday. I remind Franklin to tell his dad he loves him and I go outside to call my mom. I beg her to pray that Franklin’s dad doesn’t die today (and this is a big thing if you know my religion… none). I’m crying on the phone.

Many many years ago, my cousin’s favorite grandmother passed away on his birthday and I’ve seen the mental health effects from that happening to him. I was worried that Franklin would become self-destructive as well. People said that he won’t do that because he’s been deployed overseas before, but a death of a parent is going to affect you regardless of whether you were in the military or not.

Franklin comes outside to check on me while I’m still on the phone. Mom talks to him on my phone and we stay outside for awhile. We eventually go back in and Franklin makes his brother call him so their dad can hear his younger son’s voice. I meet Franklin’s dad’s ex-girlfriend and she tells Franklin’s dad everyone who is here. She called me Miranda, but Franklin corrected her. I found out Franklin’s dad was so excited about wanting to meet me. A few minutes after Franklin’s brother tells his dad that he loves him, the time between each breath gets longer and the nurse comes in wanting to give him more pain medication. We have her wait some more time. Then a few minutes after she leaves, Franklin’s father took his last breath. A couple of people can still feel a pulse, though. The nurse comes back and turns off the oxygen (I think Franklin’s uncle told the nurse that he stopped breathing). She feels his pulse. She listens to his heartbeat. She puts her finger under his nose to feel if he’s breathing.

“He passed.” She says. (Or she said “He’s gone.” I don’t remember what she said)

We all start crying. I cling to Franklin and say that it wasn’t supposed to happen on his birthday. Franklin’s crying and he said this will make us (our relationship) stronger.  I’m worried about Franklin. People start going outside to make phone calls. I give Franklin a few minutes alone with his dad while I attempt to call my mom again. The family once again makes sure I’m okay. We all leave the hospice house an hour after his dad’s passing and I ask Franklin if he wants to find a hotel for the rest of the time we’re in Florida. He said he should be fine, but we can if I don’t feel comfortable there. We go back to Franklin’s dad’s house and it felt creepy to pull into the driveway of someone who will no longer live there.

We took some time to rest and per the urging of Franklin’s uncle for Franklin to take me out somewhere to get our minds off of what happened, Franklin figured out what to have for our late lunch. We used up the rest of my Panera Bread gift card and went to a beautiful outdoor shopping area called Spanish Springs. We saw a golf cart being pulled over, which was kind of funny. When the sun set, we went home and I called my mom asking for advice on how to be a good emotional support person. I never had to fill that role until this Florida trip.

Saturday, February 24th

We go to McDonald’s for breakfast because whenever I had to go to North Carolina for a funeral when I was little, my family would always get McDonald’s for breakfast. I order a sausage biscuit and two hash browns while Franklin orders a sausage burrito and a steak, egg, and cheese biscuit. His uncle meets us at McDonald’s and gives Franklin a folder containing the will and a few other papers. We went back home for a little bit before Franklin’s cousin came to visit with his wife, two sons, and fluffy white dog. We all went out to lunch together and then Franklin needed to sign some papers at the retirement community where his dad lived. The three of us then went to the funeral home.

After picking out an urn, we went back to Franklin’s uncle’s house. The uncle, the aunt, the cousin, his wife, and the cousin’s kids went with me and Franklin to Franklin’s dad’s house since Franklin’s cousin hasn’t seen the house yet. The boys kept wanting to touch things and the youngest son kept picking up the three-pound weight on the dresser (it must have been for physical therapy. My dad has three-pound weights from when he did physical therapy after shoulder surgery). Because the boy kept calling the weight “the six-pack thing”, I would never think of the word “weight” whenever I saw the green weight. When we visited the community center, I became sad because the next night would be my last night in Florida and the town is so beautiful.

When everyone left, I gave Franklin a chance to let his feelings out. He shed a couple of tears and said there was a lot of love in the room when his dad passed. I hug him and remind him that I’m here for him, which is what mom suggested I remind him. I let him have some time to himself so he can do homework while I watch the sunset on the screen-covered porch. I take my iPod with me so I can watch a couple of episodes of Daria that are on my iPod to keep myself occupied. I read some fan fiction and enjoy the nice weather outside at night. Franklin makes some pasta salad from a box his dad has in the house and brings it out on the porch so we can eat dinner together. After dinner, Franklin gathers all the paperwork his dad had and organizes them so he and his uncle can finally go over the paperwork. There were also pictures that needed to be organized. Some pictures will be used in the mass in Florida, some pictures will be returned to family members, and Franklin will keep a few pictures for himself. As much as I want to help, I let Franklin touch all of his dad’s belongings. From an outsider’s perspective, I am a stranger in his dad’s home and some people don’t like it when other people touch a family member’s belongings. Franklin forewarns me that I will be ignored for a bit the next day since he will be busy. Franklin and I stay awake for two additional hours just talking.

Sunday, February 25th

We go to Franklin’s uncle and aunt’s house for breakfast. We eat a Belgian waffle with a choice of strawberry slices, blueberries, banana slices, syrup, and whipped cream for the toppings and sausage and/or bacon. After eating breakfast, we watch some home movies that were filmed before I was born. When Franklin’s dad appears on screen, everyone was talking loudly so I can’t hear his dad’s voice. It bothers me because I have never heard Franklin’s dad’s voice before and this was my only time. It is now time for Franklin and his uncle to get to work. Some family members go to this one market, but I decline going because I promised myself I’d stay with Franklin when he would do anything related to things that needed to be done after his dad’s death. Franklin’s aunt shows me a couple of books that her daughter wrote, so I decide to read “The Golem Factory” (side note: I highly recommend the book “The Golem Factory”. I read the whole thing and it was really good).

Franklin and his uncle eat lunch, but I don’t feel very hungry. Later, when the family members who went to the market return, all us women play mahjong. It is completely different than the version that is played online. It is difficult to understand at first, but I am able to get the hang of it. When Franklin and his uncle finish organizing the paperwork and figuring out which companies need to be notified of the passing, Franklin and I get into his uncle’s golf cart and Franklin drives me around part of the retirement community. I feel like we’re an old married couple and I hope we become an old married couple.

We return with the golf cart to Franklin’s uncle’s house and I finish the final pages of “The Golem Factory” while we figure out whether we want to join his family for dinner or go out to dinner on our own. I want to go to Red Robin so Franklin can redeem his free birthday meal, but I tell Franklin that it’s up to him (throughout our time in Florida, he had to be the one to make decisions regarding his dad and his dad’s things, but I wasn’t sure if I should dictate the choice between our last meal with his family). His uncle suggests that we go out on our own. I think his uncle wants me to do something that isn’t related to family matters. We say goodbye to his aunt’s husband since he’s flying back home the next morning and we drive nearly half an hour to Red Robin.

We get to Red Robin and because of where we’re seated, someone has to get napkins from underneath the booth seats. We are given a voucher for a free appetizer from the $5 appetizers category, a free dessert, or a free Monster Milkshake. After dinner, we to Family Dollar to pick up sympathy cards so Franklin can deliver pictures. We drive back home in order to do a little packing and Franklin called his dad’s phone so I could hear his dad’s voice when the voicemail came on. I call my mom to see which of the toiletries I bought for the trip can be thrown away.

Monday, February 26th

We are flying home today and Franklin’s uncle is picking us up at 9 AM to take us back to the airport. Franklin wakes me up at 5 AM and despite my best efforts, I give up on going back to sleep. Turns out to be a good thing I couldn’t go back to sleep, because Franklin’s mind started processing that his dad is gone. I roll onto my back and hold him while he wonders if this is really goodbye (I don’t know if he means goodbye to Florida or goodbye to his dad) and he tells me that he feels like he cleaned his dad’s car too quickly and that the Green Bay Packers items gave the house personality.

After letting out emotions, Franklin gets post-it notes to leave instructions for what to do with the items being left behind while I prepare to take my shower. Once I’m clean and dressed, I pack up the rest of my things for my flight home. I remind Franklin to take his shower since his uncle was picking us up in an hour. Fast forward to when his uncle gets here and the women I played mahjong with (Franklin’s aunts and one woman I don’t know how she’s related) came into the house to clean up the house. I hug everyone goodbye and we set off to Orlando for our flight back home. Franklin reveals for the second time that day that writing on the post-it notes to delegate where his dad’s things will go was harder for him than the duties he does as an officer in the National Guard. Once again, my thumb takes the role of designate tear wiper.

Franklin has to check a suitcase with some of his dad’s clothes in it. Some clothes fit Franklin so he’s keeping those. Other clothes are being donated, so they stayed behind in a neatly-folded pile at his dad’s house. We grab something to eat and water to drink. I don’t want to get another headache, especially since I planned to go to kickboxing that evening. Our flight is on time and despite some turbulence on the flight, we make it back to Maryland safely. Oh, and I see a guy at the airport in Orlando who looked exactly like Franklin’s dad.

We go back to my house where I get changed into exercise clothes and pack my gym bag. The day before, my mom and niece baked Franklin a cake. Since Franklin’s birthday was three days prior and his dad passed on his birthday, we couldn’t sing “Happy Birthday”. Mom started singing “Franklin, you are amazing!” over an over again while dad and I just looked at each other. Franklin tells me that he hopes what I went through with him doesn’t cause me to need therapy, and I told him I might go to a couple of meetings for a grief support group depending on how I feel. After making sure he’d be okay with me going to kickboxing (since I wasn’t sure if Franklin being alone would make him really think about his dad’s passing), we leave my house. I go to kickboxing and Franklin goes back home to finish up his homework. This is now the first time we’ve been away from each other since Thursday morning before he took me to the airport.

What did I learn?

So what did I learn from this farewell trip? I learned how to be someone’s source of emotional support, I learned to set boundaries for myself (the boundary I set for myself was to not touch Franklin’s dad’s belongings when organizing things unless I’m told it’s okay), and I learned that I want to check baggage next time since it felt like such a struggle to put everything in a carry-on bag when I typically check luggage. I am hoping that watching Franklin’s father passing will help me learn to let things roll off my shoulder. I hope to learn how this experience is going to make Franklin and I stronger as a couple.