Mental Health

Thoughts, Prayers, or Rituals Wanted

The thoughts, prayers, and rituals are not for me. I know I promised to make this blog more about me and my journey of discovering who I am, but I have to break this promise. The thoughts, prayers, and rituals are for my boyfriend and his dad.

Yesterday evening, my boyfriend and I found out that his dad was diagnosed with cancer. The doctors found a growth in his shoulder that ended up being malignant. From what we heard yesterday, he is now in the ICU with pneumonia in both lungs and the cancer already spreading. My boyfriend’s uncle said it’s looking bad and while my boyfriend and his brother are taking the wait and see approach, his aunt told him they were making a mistake not flying down to see their dad.

The way people are talking, there may not be much time left. What also worries me is that my boyfriend’s birthday is later this week. If this may be goodbye for his dad, I want his dad to wait to take his last breath until after my boyfriend’s birthday. My cousin lost his favorite grandmother on his birthday years ago and I saw the mental health effects that resulted from what would be considered the worst birthday gift ever. I don’t want history to repeat itself.

I have this tagged and categorized as mental health because I’m worried about my boyfriend’s mental health if his dad suddenly takes a turn for the worse. Men are less likely to seek mental health help, especially if they’re in the military. However, there are grief support groups around the county and free counseling services through the military. I know he’s trying to keep it together, but if and when the dam breaks, there will be a flood.

Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma is seen as one of the better cancers to have, but hearing the big c-word is still scary. If you believe in a religious power, please pray for my boyfriend’s father to keep his fighting spirit as he goes through cancer. Please pray for my boyfriend’s mental health and guide him to the best decision of when to see his dad (if things go well, then he will visit his dad over the summer. If things get worse, he’s spending his birthday with his dad). Please pray for the family to be prepared for the worse and to keep a realistic outlook. If you don’t believe in a religious power, keep the family in your thoughts.

Update: My boyfriend’s dad is in hospice now. We’re going to fly down to see his dad.

Mental Health

When People Give Me Hope

I hope everyone had a good Christmas or Hanukkah! I got some gift cards, a jewelry box, a stuffed giraffe, and my hard-to-find deodorant (yes, Women’s Mitchum spray-on deodorant has become hard to find, but it helps me not get deodorant stains from clothes compared to gel deodorant).

So today, there weren’t many people at work. I finished what I needed to work on and look at a university’s website. I came across an article that was inspiring to me titled His Dream Never Died

In the article, a navy veteran who was once homeless many years before I was born became a role model to his classmates. After seeking help at a VA (Veterans Administration) hospital, he was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder (at the time called “manic depression”) and agoraphobia. He later went to college to become a teacher, but feared that he would not be able to teach because of his disability. He has recently graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in psychology and now plans to get a Master’s degree in social work so he can help homeless veterans. His inspiration to help homeless veterans comes from his prior homelessness and to follow the footsteps of those who helped him.

I’m applying to grad school sometime next month and I’m worried that with my anxiety disorder and ADHD, I won’t have what it takes to make it through grad school. All these articles I read said that grad school is made to weed out people with disabilities and that people develop anxiety and depression during grad school. Would grad school make my anxiety disorder worse? Would my ADHD make the tough curriculum harder to understand? What accommodations will I need? I never had accommodations before. I know this man has his bachelor’s degree and hasn’t completed his Master’s degree yet, but he gives me hope that I can succeed in grad school despite my disabilities.

I know there are some resources that could help me, but those services seem to mostly fit an undergraduate curriculum where it is more test-oriented than paper-oriented or research-oriented. I work full-time so learning study skills at an academic center is out of the question, since academic centers are often only open during work hours.

Mental Health · Workplace

I Was a Victim of Workplace Bullying

October is Bullying Prevention Month. There was also a recent workplace shooting two miles away from where I’m currently working. A coach in kickboxing told me that the guy was bullied at work. Due to these reasons, I must come out and talk about my experience with workplace bullying.

In August 2015, I finished a 20-week intensive developer training and started employment at a company. More than a month later, I was starting to have problems. One main problem was this one guy who joined my project team. He gravitated towards me because I have the same issues with programming that he does. He would show me things that helped him, but sometimes he would treat me as if I was cognitively disabled. At one point, he directly asked me if I have any learning disabilities because it seems like I did. It hit me hard because he has a few learning disabilities (turns out I have ADHD, but didn’t find that out until this past June. That explains why I have trouble thinking in ways programmers have to think). I was also told that I tried too hard to make friends with a group of people I started sitting with at lunch.

I tried to get my mom to get me evaluated for learning disabilities and autism, since many disabilities don’t get picked up as kids. Disabilities don’t always get picked up because people learn to adapt. She wouldn’t do it. I know she doesn’t want to think about having a child with specific issues. She had a younger brother with autism. I ended up having to see my third (and final) therapist after a mental breakdown at home where I said I wanted to shoot up my workplace. I was also having homicidal thoughts. I stress this part because if it wasn’t for the fact that we had metal detectors at both entrances of the building I worked at during that time, I would have been the one on the news. People would strengthen gun control (which is necessary, IMO, but don’t focus on that in your comments) to further stigmatize people with mental illness because of me.

So I saw a therapist on Thursdays once a week, then later once every two weeks. It wasn’t effective. I recently learned why therapy doesn’t work for me, and it’s due to an aspect of ADHD that describes me. That’s irrelevant, though. People started rumors about me and also actively tried to get me fired. I had to report the rumors to my mentor because if the higher-ups heard about it, I’d likely have been either terminated or put on a performance improvement plan (which almost always leads to being fired anyways). Many months in, every meeting with the exception of daily standup meetings mentioned how I need help with things. The team thought it would motivate me to become better, but I shut down. I stopped caring about work. I was only there to make money and leave.

Things got so bad that I started having physical manifestations of my mental health issues. I noticed a few bumps on my right hand. A few days later, they appeared on my left hand. Then they spread to part of my forearms. At this point, I thought I was having an allergic reaction to something. Even at my childhood friend’s sleepover for her husband’s birthday, I woke up with my arms itching like crazy. They have a cat, so I was scared I was finally becoming allergic. Luckily, as I discover a week later, was not the case. These bumps even spread to my face for a day. The Monday after my friend’s husband’s birthday, I got let go from my job as a part of a wave of layoffs. That night, I was at my itchiest. Then on Wednesday, my bumps were clearing up. I chalked it up to one of two things: a reaction to a different body wash due to my sensitive skin, or a physical manifestation of my anxiety disorder.

On Wednesday, October 11th, I celebrated a year with my current company. Even now, I have still have lingering issues with what I went through at my old job. One person described it as post-traumatic issues (but they are not a licensed therapist so I’m ignoring that statement). I am making sure I don’t do anything that will make me a target for bullying. I have sadly found a potential bully on my current project. I hope I won’t have to return to therapy because I might as well quit my job if that happens.

Mental Health

I Have ADHD Now. I Feel Broken.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a physical and tetanus booster. I won’t find out the blood test results for another few days.

For a few years now, I’ve been having trouble focusing. For a few years now, I’ve been having short-term memory issues. Last week, my issues started affecting my job so I decided to see a doctor about it. I was given a self-assessment for ADHD and my doctor reviewed it. I have a very mild case of ADHD, and right now, I’m not going to be put on medication unless it gets worse.

So now I have another thing cognitively wrong with me (ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, undiagnosed depression, possible undiagnosed autism). I’m considered disabled now since ADHD is a disability. I can’t get treated for my ADHD because it’s so mild and the medication could cause issues with my heart. I have a naturally high heart rate and ADHD medications are stimulants. My doctor is just going to monitor my ADHD for now. I know mindfulness won’t work; that’s hippie bullshit that hasn’t been proven effective and is just a fad.

Ever since my diagnosis yesterday, I’ve been having constant suicidal thoughts. I can’t talk to anyone about it and I can’t call the suicide hotline. Even doing kickboxing today couldn’t stop the suicidal thoughts, and it always does.

I should check myself into the hospital, but I can’t. I’m meeting up with my Godfather this evening for dinner and I promised my co-worker that I’d pick him up from the train station tomorrow. He’s returning from Florida after visiting his dad from the hospital.

I want my brain fixed. I want to be normal. I want to live to see my 25th birthday, even though I keep feeling that I’ll die before then.

Mental Health

Why I Gave Up on Therapy

I’m sorry this isn’t one of my fun posts, but I’ve been having a lot of mental health issues this month. I feel the need to talk about it because while mental illness is being talked about more, we only hear about mental illness and mental health issues from white people. It’s time for people of color to speak up about mental health.

I have seen three therapists throughout my life. I’m still not better. That’s why I gave up on therapy. I may need medications to help with my mental health issues since therapy didn’t work.

It’s unheard of to see more two therapists for mental health issues. By this point, mental illnesses will be either manageable or seemingly fixed. I’ve gotten worse. I’m tired of people telling me to seek therapy again. I can’t do that. I can’t even see a psychiatrist. I will lose my clearance over seeking treatment. Besides, I have not heard of a mentally ill person seeing four therapists through their life. Even in the mental health community, I am an outlier.

For some reason, I have not been diagnosed with depression, but only generalized anxiety disorder. I don’t know why. I am 100% sure that I have it. Medication is something I don’t want to do because I will see it as me succumbing to my mental illness. Electroconvulsive therapy is what I want, even though I will lose memories.

I wish I wasn’t mentally ill. I wish I wasn’t the only one in my family with this issue. I wish my family wasn’t in denial about it. I wish the suicidal thoughts would go away.

Mental Health · Rant

Rage! Families Not Accepting Neurodivergent Family Members

Warning: I will be mentioning stuff relating to mental health, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, and suicide. Do not read this blog if mental health issues or suicide is your trigger. I want all of my readers to be safe.

If you have a mental illness or a learning disability, you probably have faced issues with your neurotypical family members. For me, my parents don’t seem accepting, though mom seems to try.

In November 2014, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Thinking back, I’ve been having anxiety issues since I was a child. I feel like I have other mental illnesses (like depression, BPD, possibly autism), but no one has diagnosed me yet. I have seen three therapists and I am not fixed (therapists one and three were just talk therapists and my mom forced me to see therapist one. Therapist two was who diagnosed me and did effective Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but has said a few negative things that kind of seemed harmful). I feel like I am beyond help. My parents not accepting me is not helping me. Despite my parents thinking that I may need to be put on medication, I don’t want to be medicated because that will mean that I have succumbed to my illness.

This blog post is inspired by an episode of My 600-Lb Life that I am currently watching. Steven Jr. has “severe psychological issues” and instead of his dad helping him, he’s verbally abusing his son and is not being supportive of his need for psychiatric help. To the people with a mentally ill family member: THIS IS NOT HOW YOU HELP! THIS IS HOW YOU HURT!

I’m the only one in my family (both sides) with a mental illness. It’s like a big family secret. It’s not the only thing that makes me different from my family (will talk about this in later blogs). My mom does her best, but she can sometimes say things that you never say to a mentally ill person. My dad, he’s a lot worse. He tells me I’m worrying too much whenever my anxiety goes up (and a lot of things make my anxiety go up. I don’t have a specific trigger). I try explaining to him about my anxiety disorder and that my brain isn’t wired differently, but I will not explain it anymore. He tells me to snap out of it whenever I have a breakdown. I almost threw something ceramic at his head. I have threatened suicide many times, but my parents only took me seriously once (never went to the hospital because of it, since I was 21. I’d permanently hate my parents again if they involuntarily committed me). My dad says that people who get off the bridge instead of jumping to kill themselves didn’t really want to kill themselves. YES THEY FUCKING DID! MY BROTHER SAVED SOMEONE FROM SUICIDE THE NIGHT BEFORE MY COLLEGE GRADUATION! DOES MY DAD NOT CARE THAT MY BROTHER GAVE A FUCK ABOUT A SUICIDAL PERSON WHILE HE GIVES NO FUCKS ABOUT SUICIDAL PEOPLE?! HUH?! My dad is also a victim blamer.


I know my mental health will improve when I finally move out of my parents’ house, but dad said it will get worse. I am bullied into staying with my parents. I feel like will likely never get out. I even told my dad that I know that I’m not the perfect child that he wanted. Sometimes, I think he wanted another son. I feel like I’m trapped. I feel like people are about to give up on me. I kind of already gave up on myself.

Remember, lack of acceptance leads to suicide, and it would suck for a family member to be what breaks you in the end.