Mental Health

I Have ADHD Now. I Feel Broken.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a physical and tetanus booster. I won’t find out the blood test results for another few days.

For a few years now, I’ve been having trouble focusing. For a few years now, I’ve been having short-term memory issues. Last week, my issues started affecting my job so I decided to see a doctor about it. I was given a self-assessment for ADHD and my doctor reviewed it. I have a very mild case of ADHD, and right now, I’m not going to be put on medication unless it gets worse.

So now I have another thing cognitively wrong with me (ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, undiagnosed depression, possible undiagnosed autism). I’m considered disabled now since ADHD is a disability. I can’t get treated for my ADHD because it’s so mild and the medication could cause issues with my heart. I have a naturally high heart rate and ADHD medications are stimulants. My doctor is just going to monitor my ADHD for now. I know mindfulness won’t work; that’s hippie bullshit that hasn’t been proven effective and is just a fad.

Ever since my diagnosis yesterday, I’ve been having constant suicidal thoughts. I can’t talk to anyone about it and I can’t call the suicide hotline. Even doing kickboxing today couldn’t stop the suicidal thoughts, and it always does.

I should check myself into the hospital, but I can’t. I’m meeting up with my Godfather this evening for dinner and I promised my co-worker that I’d pick him up from the train station tomorrow. He’s returning from Florida after visiting his dad from the hospital.

I want my brain fixed. I want to be normal. I want to live to see my 25th birthday, even though I keep feeling that I’ll die before then.

Mental Health

Why I Gave Up on Therapy

I’m sorry this isn’t one of my fun posts, but I’ve been having a lot of mental health issues this month. I feel the need to talk about it because while mental illness is being talked about more, we only hear about mental illness and mental health issues from white people. It’s time for people of color to speak up about mental health.

I have seen three therapists throughout my life. I’m still not better. That’s why I gave up on therapy. I may need medications to help with my mental health issues since therapy didn’t work.

It’s unheard of to see more two therapists for mental health issues. By this point, mental illnesses will be either manageable or seemingly fixed. I’ve gotten worse. I’m tired of people telling me to seek therapy again. I can’t do that. I can’t even see a psychiatrist. I will lose my clearance over seeking treatment. Besides, I have not heard of a mentally ill person seeing four therapists through their life. Even in the mental health community, I am an outlier.

For some reason, I have not been diagnosed with depression, but only generalized anxiety disorder. I don’t know why. I am 100% sure that I have it. Medication is something I don’t want to do because I will see it as me succumbing to my mental illness. Electroconvulsive therapy is what I want, even though I will lose memories.

I wish I wasn’t mentally ill. I wish I wasn’t the only one in my family with this issue. I wish my family wasn’t in denial about it. I wish the suicidal thoughts would go away.

Mental Health · Rant

Rage! Families Not Accepting Neurodivergent Family Members

Warning: I will be mentioning stuff relating to mental health, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, and suicide. Do not read this blog if mental health issues or suicide is your trigger. I want all of my readers to be safe.

If you have a mental illness or a learning disability, you probably have faced issues with your neurotypical family members. For me, my parents don’t seem accepting, though mom seems to try.

In November 2014, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Thinking back, I’ve been having anxiety issues since I was a child. I feel like I have other mental illnesses (like depression, BPD, possibly autism), but no one has diagnosed me yet. I have seen three therapists and I am not fixed (therapists one and three were just talk therapists and my mom forced me to see therapist one. Therapist two was who diagnosed me and did effective Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but has said a few negative things that kind of seemed harmful). I feel like I am beyond help. My parents not accepting me is not helping me. Despite my parents thinking that I may need to be put on medication, I don’t want to be medicated because that will mean that I have succumbed to my illness.

This blog post is inspired by an episode of My 600-Lb Life that I am currently watching. Steven Jr. has “severe psychological issues” and instead of his dad helping him, he’s verbally abusing his son and is not being supportive of his need for psychiatric help. To the people with a mentally ill family member: THIS IS NOT HOW YOU HELP! THIS IS HOW YOU HURT!

I’m the only one in my family (both sides) with a mental illness. It’s like a big family secret. It’s not the only thing that makes me different from my family (will talk about this in later blogs). My mom does her best, but she can sometimes say things that you never say to a mentally ill person. My dad, he’s a lot worse. He tells me I’m worrying too much whenever my anxiety goes up (and a lot of things make my anxiety go up. I don’t have a specific trigger). I try explaining to him about my anxiety disorder and that my brain isn’t wired differently, but I will not explain it anymore. He tells me to snap out of it whenever I have a breakdown. I almost threw something ceramic at his head. I have threatened suicide many times, but my parents only took me seriously once (never went to the hospital because of it, since I was 21. I’d permanently hate my parents again if they involuntarily committed me). My dad says that people who get off the bridge instead of jumping to kill themselves didn’t really want to kill themselves. YES THEY FUCKING DID! MY BROTHER SAVED SOMEONE FROM SUICIDE THE NIGHT BEFORE MY COLLEGE GRADUATION! DOES MY DAD NOT CARE THAT MY BROTHER GAVE A FUCK ABOUT A SUICIDAL PERSON WHILE HE GIVES NO FUCKS ABOUT SUICIDAL PEOPLE?! HUH?! My dad is also a victim blamer.

PEOPLE! LACK OF ACCEPTANCE LEADS TO SUICIDE!

I know my mental health will improve when I finally move out of my parents’ house, but dad said it will get worse. I am bullied into staying with my parents. I feel like will likely never get out. I even told my dad that I know that I’m not the perfect child that he wanted. Sometimes, I think he wanted another son. I feel like I’m trapped. I feel like people are about to give up on me. I kind of already gave up on myself.

Remember, lack of acceptance leads to suicide, and it would suck for a family member to be what breaks you in the end.