Self-Discovery · Self-Reflection

Let’s Start Off with Self-Reflection

So I had a bad evening last night. I don’t want to go into any details, since this is not what this blog is about. Before I start this blog, I want to bring your attention to something called #20PercentCounts. Women in the workforce on average don’t make as much as men. If you’re a woman of color, you make less on average. Is it fair that a white man without a degree makes more than a woman of color in the same field with a degree? Hell no. Here’s a video called #20PercentCounts: See what 20% less looks like that shows you what 20% less of anything looks like.

Now to get to why I’m posting. I was wondering what I should blog about next when I had an idea at work: list some things about what I currently am, and what things I want to be. I feel like it’s important to know about how I currently am before I start trying to discover who I truly am.

Things I currently am:

  • I am obsessive. When I was in sixth grade and first heard of the word “obsessed”, I thought it was a good thing. It wasn’t until sometime during eighth grade when I realized that the word has a negative connotation. I was first described as obsessed in the sixth grade and I was in tenth grade when that term was used about me again (not a good thing when your crush writes a letter to you saying that you’re an obsessive person and that he quit photography club in ninth grade because of you…)
  • I am someone who stands up for what I believe in. Yeah, people see it as a bad thing now. Even some people in my family try to stop me from standing up for what I believe in! However, standing up for my beliefs is how I saved someone from bullying when everyone else in the lunch group were either the bullies or bystanders.
  • I am someone who questions themselves a lot. I question myself due to comments people say after I make a decision, I question myself about my identity, and I question myself a lot when it comes to whether I made the right choice or not.
  • I am someone who has broadened their food choices. Even at my age, I’m a picky eater. However, I’m not as picky with food and am a little more willing to try new foods. However, it wasn’t until two years ago that people stopped making a big deal of trying new foods.
  • I am a cuddler. No seriously. I love cuddling. Get me a blanket and we’re golden.

Things I want to be:

  • I want to be a better activist. Right now, I’m just signing petitions and raising awareness of stuff in forum posts. People call that “slacktivism” while some people define slactivism as doing “activist” work only by complaining and not taking action. I want to march in rallies. I want to be a part of protests. I just wish that the nearest big city wasn’t dangerous…
  • I want to be less angry. I get angry very easily and people online can probably describe me as an angry bitch. I embrace that label, but it probably isn’t a good idea to get angry easily when you’re training in kickboxing. Hook kick to the face!
  • I want to pick up an instrument again. Maybe an instrument that I already have. Maybe it can be good for music therapy. I’m thinking about playing the clarinet again, but I need to buy new reeds (pretty sure my reeds are dry-rotted from not being used in seven years) and my clarinet is in the laundry room possibly near a mouse trap.
  • I want to gain skills to be more independent. I’ve been told by the same person many times that I’m sheltered. Having an anxiety disorder pretty much prevents my parents from giving me more independence. I didn’t see myself as sheltered until a few people at my old job told me that I’m sheltered.
  • I want to stop being afraid of who I am and who I may be. Maybe I don’t accept some aspects of who I am because I know what my family’s reaction would be or because I internalize society’s reactions to who I am.

Okay, now that I know what I want to be and some positive and negative things about myself, I think I can get started on my journey to figuring out who I am. Until next time!

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